The Anti-Ballers

Becoming a good basketball player requires skill, athleticism, and countless hours of practice. If we, the Says Things Bloggers, would spend even half the time in the gym playing basketball as we do sitting around discussing it, we might be decent. Actually, we’d probably still be pretty bad. But at least we’d be potentially respectable in the UMD basketball pickup circuit in the Armory, Ritchie Coliseum, and the ERC.

The way things are currently though, we only make the walk to one of the above gyms about two or three times per week, which means we only play about once or twice a week. There’s usually a one-in-three shot that we walk all the way to the gym, and end not playing for one reason or another, such as the gym being packed, closed for volleyball, or my personal favorite, the week Ritchie was closed for a rhythmic gymnastics competition.

As a team, our skill set isn’t great. We’re not in shape, so we get tired easily in full-court games. We don’t have a lot of size, as Andrew, Steve, and I are only about 6’1”. So when we finally make it to the gym and are looking to play, we can’t just play against anyone. Guys who can dunk, quick ball handlers, and guys in prestigious basketball camp jerseys would destroy us. We have to be selective. Sure, shorter, slower people who can’t jump are the obvious choices to play against, but there are other special people we enjoy playing because we don’t like losing…

Guy in Jeans – Don’t get me wrong; I enjoy a good pair. And they’re pretty much all I wear during winter. But jeans have no place in basketball. They inhibit your range of motion and are heavy, slowing you down. So you, jeans-wearer, make an ideal target to drive by on the perimeter.
Also in this category: Guy in Cords, Dockers, or any Pants Other than Sweats

Chucker with the ugly jumpshot – It’s one thing to not be able to shoot well and have problems making three-pointers. It’s a whole different problem if you know shooting isn’t your game and you continue to chuck anyways. Drive, slash, crash the boards. Do anything, but stop chucking from out of your range. Sooner or later, your team will stop passing you the ball, making it a 5 on 4 advantage for us.
Also in this category: Awkward, Lanky Guy who Forces Post Shots Despite Being Triple-teamed

Guy in Collared Shirt – Were you on your way to take a girl out to dinner? Then you probably shouldn’t be playing basketball at the gym. Did you feel underdressed in your t-shirt? Well now you’ll pay the price by sweating twice as much as everyone else and possibly leave bad sweat stains on a nice shirt. Nice work.
Also in this category: (One of the only things worse than Guy in Collared Shirt) – Guy in Collared Shirt who Pops his Collar after Making Basket

Guy with Hiking Shoes – I understand if you don’t want to pay the money for a nice pair of basketball shoes. But those Nike mock-hiking boots aren’t really suitable for basketball. The only climbing you’ll be doing is out of the hole that we put your team in after we score the first 5 because you can’t play. Technically, you didn’t wear Timberlands, so you tried to wear something decent, but you just came up short.
Also in this category: Guy in Cargo Shorts (tried, but didn’t quite get it)

Guy who’s Old Enough to be Your Grandfather – Most likely, you’ve either come back to school to take college credits for some absurd reason or actually paid for a UMD CRS membership because you live close to campus. How anyone would be stupid enough to pay for absurd hours and intramural badminton tournaments is beside the point. Your crew socks, sweatbands, and walking shoes probably make you a better fit for the step-aerobics class. You can’t run the floor very well, and even though you may have a decent set-shot, your teammates probably won’t pass it to you in fear of your Arthritic wrists and hands.
Also in this category: Guy who Looks like Your 70-Year-Old Professor

Guy with Hat – Expecting a blinding glare off the floor, you wore a baseball cap to the gym to play basketball. If this was the early 90’s, if you were as good as Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson were in White Men Can’t Jump, and if you could pull this look off, it wouldn’t be as big of a deal. But it’s almost 20 years later, you’re playing crappy pickup ball in a UMD gym, and I’m pretty sure that look faded out with Zubaz. There are zero advantages to wearing a hat while playing basketball indoors. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t just take your hat off and set it on the side. Guy in Jeans can’t do that because he probably isn't wearing shorts. Guy who’s Old Enough to be Your Grandfather can’t do anything about his age. You have the option of making yourself less of a target. Take off your damn hat.
Also in this category: Not much compares to Guy with Hat.