Top Ten Video Games to Yell Things At

Editor's Note: What follows is a special guest blog post from the esteemed colleague of the Says Things Bloggers, Big Ron. The opinions and ideas expressed in this post in no way reflect the same of The Says Things Bloggers. The aforementioned party hereby absolves itself of all responsibility for any harm, angst, anguish or giddiness resulting from this post.

Top 10 Vidjo Games to Yell At

I have been asked to write a guest post by my esteemed colleagues, who just say things. The current topic, which is near and dear to my heart, is about yelling, and its association with video (or vidjo) games. I think we all know that playing the actual game is only half the fun; the real joy comes from hearing the person four doors down from you venting streams of obscenities at 3:00 in the morning. I have worked tirelessly to compile this list – it required many hours of game playing, some slight carpal tunnel, and more than a few sore throat lozenges. These games are listed in no particular order, because each has elicited a truly awe-inspiring and often violent reaction from within the depths of my soul; and I will be eternally grateful. Without further ado, I bring you the Top 10 Vidjo Games to Yell At.

1) Super Smash Bros. (Any version)

We’re starting off strong with this selection. While these games are arguably the best of the multiplayers on the market today, they are also the most annoying. I have never gotten more upset, on a regular basis, than when I played this game with my brother for months on end. I would like to specify certain parts of the game that truly unleash the rage within:

1. Any time a Goldeen emerges from your perfectly placed pokéball. What the hell is that? I’m now going to floppy-fish you to death???

2. Any time someone (other than me) makes use of the hammer. Screw you and your easy kill (unless its me, in which case, I totally earned that hammer, and you probably had it coming).

3. Any time someone hits you with the homerun bat. You’re running towards them, and suddenly, you see them winding up; you try to avoid it, but you just can’t turn away. OH, THE HORROR!

4. Whenever someone else kills the stupid computer player that you beat the crap out of to the tune of 250% damage. I worked hard to throw that character 45 times in typical Kirby fashion; nobody better steal mah kills. It’s common courtesy.

5. Anytime a player can accurately implement their move which took five minutes to set up. When I get punched to oblivion by Donkey Kong, heads will roll.

Basically, what you must understand is that in a competitive game such as this, it is encouraged – nay, expected – nay, downright obligatory – to curse at those who outperform you. Or when you have a poor stroke of luck. Or when you are yelling and stomping around about a previous issue, and you somehow pull your controller out of the console, and during this brief period of inactivity, you get killed yet again. You gotta let loose on this game, especially when “lady luck” gives you STDs and won’t return your phone calls.

I end on a personal note…He hit me through the pipe. THROUGH the FREAKIN’ PIPE!!! You may have heard me screaming this last Saturday. If you were within a three-mile radius.

2) Medal of Honor: Frontline (Multiplayer)

I think I may have won simultaneous awards for the longest string of f-bombs, as well as the loudest f-bomb ever dropped, when I played this game. Damn you, Mike P. The only thing I hate worse than New Jerseyians coming into this country to attend college, is New Jerseyians thinking that they can just throw grenades willy-nilly in order to try to kill me while I’m sniping them…And having it actually work.

3) Guitar Hero (Any version)

Why, guitar gods, why? You’ve created the most addicting game, and then, you had the balls to put virtually unbeatable songs on there! When you get through 100% of song, and still somehow manage to fail, that is when you understand the whole “wailing and gnashing of teeth” thing in the Bible. So, congratulations. You have broken my heart a little bit each time that stupid crowd boos my masterful performance. I hope you’re happy. ‘Cause I sure am.

4) Grand Theft Auto: You Name the Version, It Has Been Cursed to Hell

In an already vulgar, seedy, and lascivious game, you’re pretty much primed to scream loudly when you’re gunned down after you just drove a hooker home.

5) Pokémon Snap –The Game Everyone Loves to Hate

I added this game, not because it’s good with some annoying characteristics. Rather, I added it because it’s annoying, with very few good characteristics. Who thought of this game? Were they high on opium? So I spent good money to take pictures of cute stuffed animals? Can I ask any more questions?

Oh, and when that bulbasaur hides behind the tree, or the moltres flies away, I feel like, were I in the position of the guy riding in the cart taking pictures, I would have put the camera away, brought out the flamethrower, and burnt that cute little forest down.

6) Mortal Kombat – I Hate Jade. Period. Oh, and Motaro. And Shao Khan. And…

7) Mario Kart – You’re in Last Place; Let’s Give You One Green Shell

Seriously, can you be any more biased against the human player? So, you’re riding along comfortably in first place, when suddenly, the lightning strikes, you get run over by a guy with a star, you’re hit with a homing shell, and you fall off the course. Now you’re in last. Let’s see what you can do with this item, and it’s... An exploding upside-down item box. You’re screwed.

8) Pong – The Bouncing Pixel from Hell

I tend to get outraged when I fail at the simplest of games. MOVE THAT FREAKING BAR TOWARDS THAT FREAKING DOT!

9) Goldeneye – Where There’s Always Someone in the Crossfire

This one goes out to every game designer with the idea that some stupid, worthless character that you need to protect for some greater purpose at the end of the game will present a fun challenge. STOP. The only challenge is me trying to restrain myself from blowing Natalya up with the grenade launcher, and saving myself the trouble from when she decides to walk in front of me during the middle of a tense firefight. Is she trying to negotiate peace with them? Or maybe she’s a traitor. I’ll keep shooting just to be safe.

10) Tie: Starfox/The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time: Because Nothing is as Annoying as the “Helping” Character

I conclude with a general view about games which have uncontrollable side characters, whether they be allies in your quest, or potential comic relief in otherwise serious and often awesome games. These characters suck. Please stop inserting them. I chose these two games, because I think each gives us a glimpse of what I am talking about here.

Starfox: I want to gouge my ears out, if that is possible, every time I hear Slippy give meaningless advice, or repeatedly call for help. I often just take him out at the beginning of the level.

TLOZ: Fairies? Wow. No, wait, annoying talking fairies? And they force you to listen to them, so that they can tell you how to do everything, like opening doors? Excellent. I don’t know how you would’ve rescued the princess on your own. You could not have even opened the door to your treehouse in the forest without Navi’s help…Oh wait, your house didn’t have a door. Those crafty game developers…

So there you have it. 10 awesome games – And one awful one – that keep unsuspecting floormates awake; that keep Hall’s Sore Throat Lozenges in business; And, that entertain us all.