Cereal Killers

So yeah, that season left a bad taste in my mouth. And you know what would get rid of that foul taste? Some cereal.

Everyone loves breakfast cereals. Milk and grainy goodness, for the win. Now that's what I call a balanced breakfast. Anyone who doesn't eat cereal should probably go back to Soviet Russia where they can eat all the kasha and rye breads they want. Here in America we like our sugary treats from the fine people at Kellogg's, General Mills, and Post.

But what are the BEST cereals? A subject of much debate. Thankfully we here at Says Things can give you the Complete Cold Cereal Compendium. Except it isn't complete. It's just a ranking of the best cereals. But the list was generated in a scientific fashion (my brain = science).

8. Waffle Crisp. Thank God I waited about three weeks from the time I started this post to the time I actually started the list. Otherwise I would not have learned about the awesomeness that is Waffle Crisp. Sure, I had eaten it before, but now I see that it is like a form of crack made from grains - in this case oat, wheat, AND corn. Those little pieces also turn the milk into a maple syrup-laced liquid. Fantastic.

7. Corn Pops. Gotta have my Pops. This cereal doesn't wow you with animated commercial characters. Nor does it burst into your mouth with a taste sensation. Really I'm not sure why this is good at all. But it is. Those corn pieces get just a bit soggy and then you can devour them, two bowls per sitting.

6. Lucky Charms. How great is this cereal? This was always a favorite as a kid, what with the delicious and sugary marshmallows. But this is no cereal for kids alone. Oh no. As one grows up and develops a more discerning palate, the oat cereal pieces are a great complement to the marshmallows. Now if those damn folks at General Mills would stop changing the shapes of the marbits.

5. Apple Jacks. Another in the line of "makes the milk taste different" cereals that are so good. The cinnamon is much less prevalent than in other cereals (i.e. Cinnamon Toast Crunch), but the combination of that with a bit of apple flavoring really makes for a strong cereal. Plus it has apple in the title so you know it's part of a balanced breakfast. (Random aside: who actually has time to eat the so-called balanced breakfast that they show in these commercials? Not me).

4. Froot Loops. Toucan Sam, you magnificent bastard! No clue what flavors these actually are, but they're tasty. And colorful, which is a big plus if you're an immature dolt like me.

3. Honey Smacks. Now we're getting into the big guns. The staples. This one gets hurt just a bit because Post's Golden Crisp is nearly identical in taste. The mascot battle is close, too. Dig'em is a super cool 90s style frog who had a statue dedicated to him on Family Guy. On the other side is Sugar Bear, a cool fucking bear who can turn into Super Bear. In the end I'll give the edge to the anthropomorphic frog and his superior cereal, because when do you see an anthropomorphic frog anymore?

2. Honey Nut Cheerios - Is this too high? You're damn right it is. But that's what I get for not compiling this list ahead of time and forgetting to put this on there. Honey Nut Cheerios has a honey bee mascot, so you know there's honey goodness baked into every point. Bonus points for being another cereal that has its taste improve as it gets soggier.

1. Cocoa Puffs - Oh hell yes. This one has it all. Crunchy, chocolately goodness. A cuckoo bird mascot by the name of Sonny. And oh yeah, it turns your milk into CHOCOLATE MILK. People underrate this cereal to a criminal extent. Even in the chocolate sector of the market it often seems to take a back seat to lesser lights such as Cocoa Pebbles, Count Chocula, or even the dreaded Cocoa Krispies. This cereal only loses some of its perfection because it isn't that great to eat without milk. But that can be forgiven. All hail Sonny.