Top 10 Worst Movies (that I know of)

Guest blog by Josh. Carry on.

I want to preface this blog with the comment that these are not the ‘Top Ten Worst Movies Ever’ mostly because no one cares about horrible movies made like 15 years ago. Additionally, I am basing most of these reviews off of the trailers because let’s face it; I didn’t actually watch most of these movies soo…yah.

Here we go:

10. One Missed Call -Basically, this movie just doesn’t look scary at all. You receive a phone call that is the audio of your death? That sounds pretty lame to me, since when does death use cell phones? Wouldn’t it be easier to just like show you a vision of your own death? I feel like that would also be infinitely scarier. As for the trailer, well…. The first thing is some stupid statistic: 2 million cell phone calls a day: Oh no! Someone save me from the impending doom. The first actual scene is a girl saying “that’s not my ringtone” at which point I stopped watching the trailer out of sheer boredom. I am not sure how the trailer ends, but I am sure the rest of it sucks too. We are just going to assume the movie does as well.

9. Bloodrayne – A quick note, allegedly there was a sequel to this movie, and there is no doubt in my mind that it was worse. But no one saw it, or really even heard of it, so we’ll all just pretend that it didn’t happen. I did actually see this movie, a move which I regretted pretty much immediately. The director, Uwe Boll is probably the dumbest man alive (though he thinks he is a genius), there is even a petition online to “Stop Dr. Uwe Boll” from making movies. Anyway, the actual movie sucked pretty hard too. There were buckets of blood, and by blood I mean what looked like strawberry pancake syrup, there was ridiculous amounts of dismemberment (of manikins filled with syrup), there was horribly forced dialog and just to top it all off, there was the goofiest looking sets I have ever seen. There was a plot, but he stole it from the video game and it really made no sense, so we’ll just skip it. Despite all this, the movie did have one redeeming factor: that it starred Kristanna Loken (the girl from T3) who is extraordinarily hot and is topless in the movie. This is the kind of movie that you just assume that it has to get better, and it just keeps getting worse. Actually, the last 5-10 minutes of the movie, is just a replay of all the kills in the movie (I swear, I am not joking). Overall, it kind of reminded me of WWE with swords.

8. 28 Weeks Later – I know that a lot of people like this movie, but honestly, the plot was so ironic that it was hilarious in a please-tell-me-that-did-not-just-happen kind of way. The two kids escape from the safe area (gee, that was a good idea) and find the only surviving zombie in the whole world, who happens to be their mother (???). Their father then decides to make out with the mother, and is turned into a zombie as well (who saw that coming). He then starts running around killing people, which leads to a lockdown, which apparently consists of locking everyone in a room and turning off the lights (that will definitely help to find the zombie). Of course, the dad (who killed the mom and is thus the only zombie around) happens to go directly to the room where everyone is locked in. He starts mangling people which turns them into zombies. Overall, the only people who survive are the two kids (whose fault the whole thing was) and some like military types. Also, the girl is really ugly, so that was another downside to the movie. I might have liked the movie if they had named it ‘Resident Evil’ and it had starred Milla Jovovich. But alas, it didn’t, so I didn’t either.

7. The Ruins – No, I didn’t see this movie (it’s not out), but I did see the trailer approximately 4,372 times in the past week and a half. I only have two comments on this movie:

A. “The Decent” + “Bug”

B. Any movie that needs to advertise as much as this movie probably sucks.

6. Martian Child – I was once forced to watch this movie, I fell asleep four times and the movie still wasn’t over. The plot of the movie is that some douchebag writer adopts some douchebag kid who thinks he is a Martian. Whether he actually is or not is not addressed in the movie. Actually nothing is addressed in this movie, which may be why it’s so incredibly boring.

5. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians – Aliens (robots with fangs?) + Christmas = Lose. If you need further proof, check out the cover for the movie. To make it even better, and by better I mean far worse, the movie is in the ‘Family’ genre. I know this movie is old and stuff, but honestly, it’s called Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

4. Step Up 2: The Streets – HAHAHAHAHAH no.

3. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 – I don’t even know what to say about this: I didn’t watch the trailer. The actual movie isn’t in theatres yet (and hopefully never will be). iTunes trailers says “Though miles and worlds apart, they strive to stay in touch and share their new experiences and triumphs with heart and humor and, now more than ever, come to value the immeasurable power of their friendship”. I must say that this is a good summary, except I think they meant ‘the immeasurable gayness of their friendship.’

2. Gigli – A movie about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. I couldn’t actually tell you what the movie was really about because that’s all the trailers were about. I feel like this was a bad advertising plan however, mostly because no one likes either of these people. Really, everyone knows this movie is horrendous.

1. The Notebook – This was such an easy choice. A Romantic movie about old people? Really? Who thought that was a good idea. I can’t say I have actually seen this movie, but it seems so ridiculously sappy that there is no chance its good. Additionally, it won MTVs best kiss award. I don’t feel like that fact requires any commentary. Honestly, this movie probably has a decent plot and features good acting. These positive facts are outweighed by the obviously, overtly, obnoxiously sappy romance that is the focus of the movie. Additionally, the movie looks extremely melodramatic and offensively unrealistic; it seems like the kind of movie that makes girls think that guys are romantic and ruins it for everyone. I only listed it as the number one worse movie ever because of the horrible torture that has been inflicted using this movie.