Key Moves Corollary 2!!!

Standard warning: these key moves will make people think less of you, and may cause serious intestinal harm.

- Generating math formulas to evaluate non-mathematical situations is DEFINITELY a key move. For example: Sarah Jessica Parker + Tail = Horse + makeup – cuteness – friendliness + body fat

- Making fun of, insulting and otherwise comparing Sarah Jessica Parker to a horse (or even multiple horses) is a key move.

- Fests are a key move when trying to do a LOT of one thing. Like boomer eating… or buzz cutting

- Concept Albums … obvious key move… need I say more? I think not.

- Eating food with GUSTO… key move.

- Using phrases related to and/or made popular by failblog.org is a key move in all situations. Examples include: ‘Epic fail’, ‘taxonomy fail’, or just the classic ‘fail’

- Sarcastic links are a key move. For example: Sarah Jessica Parker recently starred in a new movie about the extremely popular TV show ‘Sex and the City’

(No horses... I mean Sarah Jessica Parkers... no, I meant horses... were harmed in the writing of this blog post. Plenty of Sarah Jessica Parkers were.)

Pictures That Make Me Laugh at Midnight

So I know that this is a sports and entertainment blog. I get that. I concepted the idea with Steve in Papa Kagan's class. I know it's not for personal thoughts or reflections. The thing is, it's currently midnight, the very beginning of June 30th, 2008. I've been on summer break for well over a month now and I've only seen a few of my friends from school, and that really hasn't been to hang out. It's been rough not getting to see or talk to the guys who made a wacky year of dorm living so bearable and fungasmic.

But I was perusing the facebook website and came across some fun pictures that made me laugh out loud. Not a "lol," but a genuine, doubled over, laugh. These pictures are all of the five of us in our natural habitat, the 2201 Calvert. (Aside: I'm probably giving away too much information right now. But the way I see it, Starbucks is overpriced. Also, the only people who read this blog are people we know anyway, so it doesn't really matter. ) As my way of rationalizing this blog to the motif of the overall "says things" ethos, I'm just going to say that these pictures will certainly inform people of who we are and what we're about. Our blog seems inane and almost certainly insane. We have weird random in-jokes and things that will make all five of us laugh.

I present the first picture, the one that originally made me want to write this post.



Of course, a picture like this is worth a thousand words and deserves all sorts of an explanation. By the way, if any of the bloggers on this website don't find this picture extremely amusing, he's out of my top five.

Basically, Steve is applying spackle to the wall where he busted it with a Boom move and I'm choking out Rob. If you've ever seen an action spy movie, the hero always comes up behind a guard, puts a chookehold on him, then says "shh, shh, shh" as the victim is put to sleep and laid on the ground by the hero. That's what I'm doing to Rob in this picture. With the sound effects and everything.




So I wrote that over the summer. And then I "lost my muse." I just couldn't find any way to write about it. It's not that I didn't have anything to say about it, it's just that I couldn't find the words to fully express that picture. So here I am, in October, almost four months later. A third of a year has passed. Some of my original groanings were fulfilled. I saw my friends. Hanging out happened. Rob yelled at me ad nauseum to finish this damn blog post. And I have no idea how to finish it. So I'm just gonna publish it. Not like anyone read this shit anyways.


Peace yo

Thank You, Jerkass

Wat

If you're a Terps fan, you're hard-wired with a sense of pessimism that causes you to think the worst possible outcome will always be the one that you witness. Maybe it's a function of the Bias tragedy, the years as a football bottom dweller, and the close-but-no-cigar nature of the basketball for so many years before the National Championship. Or maybe it's just something ingrained in all sports fans (especially the loud ones from Philly - you know the ones I mean).

Either way, if you've watched this year's Terps football team, you know that nothing is set in stone. Start the season by losing to Middle Tennessee and squeaking by Delaware. Follow that up with wins over Cal and Clemson when things look bleakest. So even going into what is, on paper, a laugher against Virginia, you just don't take things lightly. The Terps could blow the Cavs out, or they could squeak by them. A loss isn't out of the question. But no one saw this travesty coming.

This loss was worse than the Terps' basketball losses to American and Ohio last December. The Terps not only lost to the worst team in the conference, they were thoroughly whipped, 31-0. It was amazing. After Virginia came into Byrd last season and beat the Terps by constantly running off-tackle, led by Mikell Simpson and Cedric Peerman, they did the same thing tonight. Peerman had 110 yards (only 96 in UVA's first four games) and Simpson had 77 yards (105 coming into tonight).

Let me take this opportunity to remind you that this was a Virginia team that had lost by a combined score of 128-20 to its three Division I-A opponents this season. Including a four-TD loss to a Duke team that hadn't won a conference game since 2004. Think about that one.

The Terps looked particularly terrible at the line of scrimmage. Both lines lack talent, and it was exposed against a supposedly inferior team for the second time this season. The defensive line has a complete lack of playmakers, and the offensive line was terrible in both rush and pass protection, despite being one of the most experienced units in the country. Da'rel Scott put up poor numbers again this week, but its tough for him to run when defenders are already in the backfield when he touches the ball.

The coaching staff is an embarrassment at this point. The Fridge is 15-19 in ACC games since the start of the 2004 season, a record that barely qualifies as mediocre. Defensive coordinator Chris Cosh does not seem to ever have watched a game of football before in his life, and seems only slightly more qualified to be a collegiate coordinator than my Mom is. With all due respect to retards, Cosh is a retard.

New Offensive Coordinator James Franklin is showing why Fridge likes him so much. His offense has somehow managed to give DHB just one touch (no catches) in two weeks of ACC play. Even if he isn't open in the passing game, how awesome has he been running the ball? He has about 300 yards on 11 carries over the past two seasons, and with the team down big, you don't even try to get something going by giving your star playmaker the ball? And let's not even talk about the lack of imagination in playcalling when Josh Portis goes under center. With just two throws (compared to 25 runs) this year so far, it isn't hard for opposing defenses to guess what happens when Portis plays QB.

So who cares anymore? The Terps will probably win the two more games that they need to make it to a bowl game. But is anyone excited about playing Navy in the first annual EagleBank Bowl at RFK stadium a few days before Christmas? I'm not, and unfortunately the Fridge's warranty has expired (me = clever).

I knew he was up to something...

Seeing how no one else posts on here anymore, I'll add another goofy picture for your viewing enjoyment.
















Oh yeah. UMD Football beat California, EMU, and Clemson.
No big deal.

Those were the days, my friend.

Off-campus living is not nearly as fun yet. Stupid overestimated housing crunch...
You sold me out, UMD. This is poor.

What to do When Your Team Loses to MTSU

Friends, this is a bleak time. The nation is divided over which presidential candidate is least unfit to serve as our Commander in Chief. Gas costs more than those commercials tells me it takes to feed a small African child each day. Worst of all, YOUR Maryland Terrapins lost to the lowly Middle Tennessee State Blue Raiders. So what can you, as one who Trusts in Testudo, do to combat the feelings of depression and angst? Here are some tips.

1) Drink. Heavily.

You can't just drink beer or liquor. No, this isn't something that can be cured by drowning your sorrows in liquor (the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems). No, the only drink that can make you feel better at this time is . . .

Booty Sweat! (arriving September 9th)

2) Study the Fridge's Diet.

This seems to be a gruesome and arduous undertaking. It is, but imagine if you could publish your research in an article comparing Fridge's diet to that of Michael Phelps, the Olympic hoss who famously eats over 10,000 calories a day - about the recommended daily allowance of calories for 4-5 adult humans.

But alas, while some might say that Fridge trains like an Olympic athlete, we have to remember that unlike Phelps, who spends most of his time underwater, Fridge spends most of his time under the shade of the roof of his golf cart.

3) Watch the replay of Senior Day 2008 basketball vs. Clemson.

To remind yourself, that no matter where you are or what you're doing, the pain could always be worse.

4) Go home and kill your horses.

Because horses are terrible people.

(N.B. this does not apply to those who do not live in the Middle of Nowhere, USA)

5) Reevaluate your priorities.

Sports are just a novelty, a diversion from the drudgery and difficulty of modern life. In the end, even those who participate in them get only fleeting glory and fulfillment. Should we not be pursuing more noble goals? Goals that don't have such a zero-sum nature?

Is this what we want to do with our university? Spend millions upon millions of dollars to support a football program at the expense of academics? Is Ralph Friedgen worth the seven-figure salary he receives? I, for one, can no longer support intercollegiate athletics at Maryland.



Just kidding, see you at the Cal game.