What to do When Your Team Loses to MTSU

Friends, this is a bleak time. The nation is divided over which presidential candidate is least unfit to serve as our Commander in Chief. Gas costs more than those commercials tells me it takes to feed a small African child each day. Worst of all, YOUR Maryland Terrapins lost to the lowly Middle Tennessee State Blue Raiders. So what can you, as one who Trusts in Testudo, do to combat the feelings of depression and angst? Here are some tips.

1) Drink. Heavily.

You can't just drink beer or liquor. No, this isn't something that can be cured by drowning your sorrows in liquor (the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems). No, the only drink that can make you feel better at this time is . . .

Booty Sweat! (arriving September 9th)

2) Study the Fridge's Diet.

This seems to be a gruesome and arduous undertaking. It is, but imagine if you could publish your research in an article comparing Fridge's diet to that of Michael Phelps, the Olympic hoss who famously eats over 10,000 calories a day - about the recommended daily allowance of calories for 4-5 adult humans.

But alas, while some might say that Fridge trains like an Olympic athlete, we have to remember that unlike Phelps, who spends most of his time underwater, Fridge spends most of his time under the shade of the roof of his golf cart.

3) Watch the replay of Senior Day 2008 basketball vs. Clemson.

To remind yourself, that no matter where you are or what you're doing, the pain could always be worse.

4) Go home and kill your horses.

Because horses are terrible people.

(N.B. this does not apply to those who do not live in the Middle of Nowhere, USA)

5) Reevaluate your priorities.

Sports are just a novelty, a diversion from the drudgery and difficulty of modern life. In the end, even those who participate in them get only fleeting glory and fulfillment. Should we not be pursuing more noble goals? Goals that don't have such a zero-sum nature?

Is this what we want to do with our university? Spend millions upon millions of dollars to support a football program at the expense of academics? Is Ralph Friedgen worth the seven-figure salary he receives? I, for one, can no longer support intercollegiate athletics at Maryland.



Just kidding, see you at the Cal game.