These Pretzels are Makin' me Thirsty!

The word "pantheon" is thrown around a lot these days. People (me) use it for almost anything to describe lists of great things (or possibly bad things). I'm not one to lightly toss around words (I am), so I will refrain from using such verbiage. But I must tell of a group of finely selected salted snacks that will sate any appetite. I am, of course, talking about pretzels. They may very well be the best salted snack invented. The are almost certainly one of the oldest. The granddaddy of them all is still the king, but in today's competitive market, it can be hard to know which pretzel is for you. So I'll tell you, in convenient to digest list format. Also, in case you're wondering, and I know you are, I don't list specialty flavors like honey twist or garlic and sour cream. Why? Because these are pretzels, not chips. They don't need flavor enhancements like those pansy fried potatoes do.

Firstly, all of these pretzels are made by Snyders of Hanover. They sell their ever delicious pretzels in the awesome packaging sizes individual snack size, probably some others, and POUNDER. Why do I love the pounder? Because it tells you what you're getting right there on the back. You're getting a pound of baked, salted, sour-doughed goodness. Nothing could be better. If you can't get Snyders, I'm sorry for you. If you can get Snyders and you instead choose Utz , Herrs, or heaven forbid Rold Gold, I feel sorry for your friends. They have to live with an idiot.

You may be asking yourself right now, where is the pretzel list? When are we going to get the pretzel list, and so on and so forth. Here it is.


8. Olde Tyme Pretzels

These are easily the worst of all the pretzels. Seriously. They can't even spell "time" right. It's obviously an attempt to confuse people in to thinking these pretzels are actually good. In fact, they are not. There's probably a reason why these are old time and they got a new recipe. These are awful. If you needed to soak up some liquid, these pretzels could easily substitute for sawdust. They barely even taste like pretzels. They taste like hardened bread with salt. Move on and hope some other sucker buys these.


7. Thins
Thought these were the worst pretzels out there until I started researching and found Olde Tyme. These pretzels taste more like salt than pretzel. That's because they're so thin that all they are is a small tube of pretzel on them with a metric ass-load of salt on them. And they don't even fill you up. They just sit in a bowl on the table taunting you until you eat them, and then you realize that you're just eating a vehicle for salt, and you get extremely thirsty. I'm pretty sure Coke or Pepsi is behind the proliferation of this style of pretzel. Why else would Snyders even think of making these? This is all Rold Gold has, and Rold Gold is awful. Take the hint guys and just stop.

6.Mini Pretzels
Here's the thing. Mini pretzels are good, but they're not good. I mean, they have all the great attributes of pretzels. Salty, crunchy, tasty, etc. Unfortunately for them, they're mini. So you get some good pretzel actions, you just don't get enough. And then you reach for more and more and before you know it you've crushed half a bag. And therein lies the problem. Other small pretzel styles have fun shapes that are neat to play with. These are just pretzels that are small. Nothing really special about them, and you can do much better.


5. Rods
We're now getting into the territory of shaped pretzels. Shaped pretzels bring a whole new dimension into the pretzel game. As such, they rank higher on the list. Something about non-traditional pretzels makes them better. Maybe it's some sort of chemical reaction or something. Maybe it's a psychological thing. I don't know, I'm not a lawyer. These are better than the one's before it, not as good as the ones after it. Also, they're really good if you dip them in chocolate. But that breaks the rules of the list, so I'll keep going.


4. Sticks
Sticks may have been my favorite type of pretzel growing up. Why? Because they're em-effing sticks, that's why. I could pretend to be a cool kid and look like I was smoking when really it was just a pretzel stick. True, that's lame. but also true, you suck for judging me. Sticks also just taste good for some reason. I don't know why. They took the thin part of the thins except made it excellent. And let's be honest here, who hasn't broken sticks in half just because it was fun to do/a stress reliever/to build tiny lincoln log houses? And if you could fit a whole one in your mouth sideways without it breaking, you were king. Eat pretzel sticks and tell me that they aren't fun. You can't. You just can't

3. Hard Pretzels
This is what a pretzel is meant to be. It's big and beefy and chock-full-o-flavor. Eating a few hard pretzels is like eating a meal. No lie, I've actually eaten a few meals on the go that were just hard pretzels and a drink. This is a man's pretzel. The best part about hard pretzels is the twisty part in the middle. It usually has just a bit more salt on it and has plenty of hard-baked dough to munch on. Like a fine wine or a good draught beer, these pretzels are meant to be savored. If it wasn't for the amount of time it takes to eat just one these would be higher on the list.

2. Snaps
Snaps are new players on the block. But that didn't stop them from jumping up to the top. (Actually, these things may have been around forever, I'm just new to them. Details.) Here's why snaps are good. They have the good flavor of the sticks, but they have more pretzel in a smaller volume. Every bite of snaps brings with it some delicious pretzel goodness. And also, if you're OCD like me, you can eat out certain squares to try to make new designs. Snaps are also good because you can easily grab a handful and just pop them while watching tv or studying or whatever it is that kids do these days.


1. Nibblers
Nibbler are by far the best pounder variety of pretzels. In fact, if you ask someone for a pounder, you will get a bag of nibblers. It is the only pretzel that can be asked for not by name. Nibblers provide the substance of the hard pretzel with the popability (I made that word up) of the snaps. They may very well be the crack of the pretzel world. Once you start eating a few, you just can't stop.




So what have we learned here today children? Nothing really. Just don't ever buy olde tyme pretzels, they are awful. Nibblers are delicious. Sticks are fun to play with. Andrew has too much time on his hands. Though not so much that he can't blog more often. So the next time you're out at Giant or what have you and looking for salted snacks, meander on over to the pretzel aisle and pick up a pounder.