More Coach Replacements

It has been a very inconsistent several years to be a Maryland Terrapins basketball fan, to say the least. The team has failed to make the NCAA tournament in three of the past four seasons, despite having a team capable of making it in the ACC's current weakened position. There have really only been two consistently dominant ACC teams (who shall not be named), Duke and UNC (its probably a good idea to stop reading the parentheses while you still can), while the rest of the conference has been left in mediocrity (though mediocrity in the ACC is still better than the best the Big 10 has to offer), struggling to get into the tournament on a consistent basis (Is there a super run-on after a normal run-on sentence has gone too far?). In this fluctuating conference the Terps only managed one tournament appearance. The line-up has gone through some rather radical changes during this time, but only once did it prove to be good enough for a tournament bid. The only constant through all of this has been Gary. The two single biggest issues with Gary seem to be his inability or lack of care towards recruiting and the inability to get the team to play consistent basketball (which is the problem with almost any team here at the university). With those two issues in mind my colleague wrote of how one Jack Bauer would be a soultion to these problems. However, seeing as he is currently tied up in a national crisis at the moment (a one day crisis that lasts over four months; how is that even possible?), here is a list of several other coaching candidates.

Jay-Z : The man from the murder capital would be a great fit right outside our nation's capital. After all, any man who can put Brooklyn on his back could surely carry this floundering team back to the promised land. Recruiting obviously wouldn't be a problem (this is the HOV (A) we are talking about) as he already has many connections in the basketball world (LeBron still has four years of eligibility, right?). And, under the hypnotic spell of HOVA's magnificent lyrics there is no chance the team would ever fail to play up their potential on any given night. If they did Jay-Z would no longer just murder for capital, he'd murder for respect (though more likely, as just as scary scenario would be to force the team to play for the Nets...eww). Another plus, would be the addition of Beyonce to sing the national anthem at every home game a huge upgrade over the guy who sings at half the games.

James Bond - See Jack Bauer, but add women, gadgets, and cars. Don't know how those would make for a better basketball team, but a license to kill would have to help in some way I haven't quite figured out...yet.

Barack Obama - So I may not agree with the man's political views, but he does have the power to inspire people, even Oprah. The man has promised change to the country, which is something this program needs after this stagnant run. Logistically he will live less than ten miles away. And with a police escort carving its way through DC traffic to each game it should only be a twenty or so minute commute. The President's helicopter is another valid choice for transportation. Or that alien technology we saw in Independence Day. That technology is ten years old now, that spaceship should be able to teleport by now. Anyway, the point is that the school is too close for him to not take on the job. Just don't let his brother-in-law be involved with team in any way, shape, or form (because let's face it, he hasn't done that great of a job with Oregon State, to say that the suck would be an understatement).

Tim Tebow - [Insert Tim Tebowism here, but only ones that weren't already Chuck Norris-isms or Jack Bauerisms]

Emperor Palpatine/Lord Voldemort - I enjoy being hated by the rest of the country for being a team full of badasses that will beat your team into pulp (see the Baltimore Ravens). I have grouped these two together because they would accomplish this by similar means. Both have means of mind control (through either the Force or Occulmency) which would prove invaluable in recruiting and getting bogus calls on the court overturned (the second of which would even out the distinct advantage Duke already has). Once you get past the fact that Voldemort is pretty much Hitler, his minions look like the Klu-Klux Klan, and Stormtroopers derive their name from the Nazi SS we can finally have a winning team again (though we should probably find a coach not deranged on ethnic cleansing, but solely on the success of our team).

These are just a few options for our basketball team, but why stop there. Our football team is as up and down as the basketball team (Fridge also sucks at recruiting as much as Gary does right now) and our AD holds the balls of the entire athletic department. Imagine if Jack Bauer ran not just the basketball and football teams, but the entire athletic department as well. And don't say its not possible, the man doesn't eat, sleep, or poop. There wouldn't be a second of wasted time.

It's just too bad that we'll probably get into the tournament somehow this year, only to limp along in mediocrity for another five years. All good things must come to an end. And as much as I love and respect Gary, his time may be coming very soon. The Fridge's time on the other hand was three years ago when he decided we didn't need a qb to run the offense or a defensive line that can play defense. Gary, I want you to be the coach of Maryland for eternity, but you're making it really hard for it to be so. Please learn how to recruit again. Because one day Jack Bauer will have killed every terrorist on the entire planet and then some, and will having nothing better to do than threaten and torture ACC opponents.