Gary Williams Going Down Swinging

LOL

Williams also said: "Kathy Worthington doesn't speak for me. She has never won a national championship, she has never done anything. She's an associate AD. This is just giving you guys stuff to make me look bad."

Gary F Williams, baller status first class, is waging a public fight with his athletic department. Read that article for the whole context (hint: recruiting). I'm going to post soon enough about the end of the Gary era and how bad things have become, but this is one of those times when Gary Williams' reminds me why he's my favorite sports figure of all-time (yes, I said it), present situation notwithstanding.

BONECRUSHER

YES

Father Figures

I like sitcoms. I like the fun antics and shenanigans. But even better than that are the role models and guides who bring these shenanigan-doers back on course. I'm talking, of course, about father figures. Some may call them TV Dads, but not every one of them is a dad. But they are all sage older men who help and really round out the show. Without these characters, I don't know if any of the shows they were in would have been as good. Without these characters, we may never have had TGIF. If they were to make a pantheon of father figures from tv sitcoms, the following men would be in it:

George Feeny
Williams Daniels already had an excellent career in television before Boy Meets World came on the air. He had a good tenure on the show St. Elsewhere and even won two Emmys for his role on that show. Oh, and also, by they way, he was KITT. He was the voice of the greatest car ever not named the Batmobile. How do you go up from two Emmys and being the most badass vehicle ever created? I'll tell you how. You play Mr. George Feeny. He may have been the greatest mentor ever seen on television. He guided Cory and Shawn from childhood through adulthood. He had as much to do with the Boy meeting the World as Alan or Amy. And he is probably the most versatile teacher ever. Who else can teach 6th grade, be principle of a major Philadelphia-area high school, and also be an academic lecturer at the college level? I'll tell you who. George. F. Feeny. If ever I have a neighbor/teacher/man I want to teach me how to live, I want him to be just like Mr. Feeny.

The Full House Triumvirate
Danny Tanner, Jesse Katsopolis, and Joey Gladstone, portrayed by Bob Saget, The Stamos, and Dave Coulier, respectively. Essentially they were one super dad. The whole premise of the show, even, was that Danny Tanner asked these two other men to help him raise his kids. And raise them they did. All of them certainly had the loving and caring parts down. How could they not it was freakin Full House. If the show didn't end in a hug they fired the writers, hired new ones and found an ending that did involve the crowd going "awwwwwww." What's great about this father figure is how stereotypical and easily characterizable these men were. Danny was the cleaning, timid, stay at home, hey-it's-the-90s-reverse-gender-roles dad. Joey was the joking around sports loving dad. (Before you complain, I know, hockey isn't a sport.) Jesse was the cool rocking dad. All three had their parts to play in raising the children. Of course, they wound up raising a meth addict and the girl who killed the joker. So really, they didn't do that good of a job.

Uncle Phil
James Avery may have been the best foil to Will Smith's Will Smith. He represented almost every thing that Will wasn't He had money, he had position, he had power, he had grace. He was educated and knew the ins and outs of high society. That is why it only made it funnier when Will upset some part of Uncle Phil's life. Their completely contrasting styles led to some fun hi-jinks that provided all of us with laughs. This is also the only show that didn't air on TGIF. (Mondays on NBC after Blossom. I didn't even have to look that up.) That's how good this show was. And it was not Will Smith who made this show great. It wasn't even just Carlton. Though Carlton is a pretty epic sidekick character. Whenever you heard Uncle Phil bellow "WILLL" and there was an outside shot of the house, you knew good times were about to be had. Despite looking severely overweight, he was in remarkably great physical shape as noted by his constant heaving of Jazz out of the house. Plus, he has mad bank and the worst butler ever.

Zordon
Because who else was leading the Power Rangers? Alpha-5? Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi think not.

Carl Winslow
Carl Winslow aka Big Guy aka Officer Winslow aka the role Reginald VelJohnson was born to play. Seriously, has he ever not played a fat cop? No. It's like hollywood saw him in Die Hard and he was immediatly typecast as a doughnut eatting officer of the peace. Carl, along with his doppelganger Uncle Phil, is the reason this post was even invented. Family Matters is a seminal and landmark television program on TGIF due in no small part to the work of Carl Winslow. He plays the typical sitcom husband perfectly to his counterpart Harriet. He acts like a man then is quickly hen-pecked back in to place. He plays the loving, caring concerned parent to Laura, Eddie, and the forgotten daughter Judy. (To a lesser extent also Ritchie [he's coming!] and 3J, but they're rather ancillary.) The real magic of Carl Winslow was how he played the straight man to Urkel. Sure, he was a father figure to him and though my show history is fuzzy and my laziness won't allow me to look it up, I'm pretty sure he adopted Steve. That or they time travelled to a pirate ship in 3-D. I can never be sure on these things. God bless Carl Winslow, and God Bless America.

If Nick Markakis Ever Moved Back to the Old Country

This is what he'd look like:



Who doesn't love the Greek/Jewfro?

In other news, congrats on the O's for actually doing something right and signing him long-term.

These Pretzels are Makin' me Thirsty!

The word "pantheon" is thrown around a lot these days. People (me) use it for almost anything to describe lists of great things (or possibly bad things). I'm not one to lightly toss around words (I am), so I will refrain from using such verbiage. But I must tell of a group of finely selected salted snacks that will sate any appetite. I am, of course, talking about pretzels. They may very well be the best salted snack invented. The are almost certainly one of the oldest. The granddaddy of them all is still the king, but in today's competitive market, it can be hard to know which pretzel is for you. So I'll tell you, in convenient to digest list format. Also, in case you're wondering, and I know you are, I don't list specialty flavors like honey twist or garlic and sour cream. Why? Because these are pretzels, not chips. They don't need flavor enhancements like those pansy fried potatoes do.

Firstly, all of these pretzels are made by Snyders of Hanover. They sell their ever delicious pretzels in the awesome packaging sizes individual snack size, probably some others, and POUNDER. Why do I love the pounder? Because it tells you what you're getting right there on the back. You're getting a pound of baked, salted, sour-doughed goodness. Nothing could be better. If you can't get Snyders, I'm sorry for you. If you can get Snyders and you instead choose Utz , Herrs, or heaven forbid Rold Gold, I feel sorry for your friends. They have to live with an idiot.

You may be asking yourself right now, where is the pretzel list? When are we going to get the pretzel list, and so on and so forth. Here it is.


8. Olde Tyme Pretzels

These are easily the worst of all the pretzels. Seriously. They can't even spell "time" right. It's obviously an attempt to confuse people in to thinking these pretzels are actually good. In fact, they are not. There's probably a reason why these are old time and they got a new recipe. These are awful. If you needed to soak up some liquid, these pretzels could easily substitute for sawdust. They barely even taste like pretzels. They taste like hardened bread with salt. Move on and hope some other sucker buys these.


7. Thins
Thought these were the worst pretzels out there until I started researching and found Olde Tyme. These pretzels taste more like salt than pretzel. That's because they're so thin that all they are is a small tube of pretzel on them with a metric ass-load of salt on them. And they don't even fill you up. They just sit in a bowl on the table taunting you until you eat them, and then you realize that you're just eating a vehicle for salt, and you get extremely thirsty. I'm pretty sure Coke or Pepsi is behind the proliferation of this style of pretzel. Why else would Snyders even think of making these? This is all Rold Gold has, and Rold Gold is awful. Take the hint guys and just stop.

6.Mini Pretzels
Here's the thing. Mini pretzels are good, but they're not good. I mean, they have all the great attributes of pretzels. Salty, crunchy, tasty, etc. Unfortunately for them, they're mini. So you get some good pretzel actions, you just don't get enough. And then you reach for more and more and before you know it you've crushed half a bag. And therein lies the problem. Other small pretzel styles have fun shapes that are neat to play with. These are just pretzels that are small. Nothing really special about them, and you can do much better.


5. Rods
We're now getting into the territory of shaped pretzels. Shaped pretzels bring a whole new dimension into the pretzel game. As such, they rank higher on the list. Something about non-traditional pretzels makes them better. Maybe it's some sort of chemical reaction or something. Maybe it's a psychological thing. I don't know, I'm not a lawyer. These are better than the one's before it, not as good as the ones after it. Also, they're really good if you dip them in chocolate. But that breaks the rules of the list, so I'll keep going.


4. Sticks
Sticks may have been my favorite type of pretzel growing up. Why? Because they're em-effing sticks, that's why. I could pretend to be a cool kid and look like I was smoking when really it was just a pretzel stick. True, that's lame. but also true, you suck for judging me. Sticks also just taste good for some reason. I don't know why. They took the thin part of the thins except made it excellent. And let's be honest here, who hasn't broken sticks in half just because it was fun to do/a stress reliever/to build tiny lincoln log houses? And if you could fit a whole one in your mouth sideways without it breaking, you were king. Eat pretzel sticks and tell me that they aren't fun. You can't. You just can't

3. Hard Pretzels
This is what a pretzel is meant to be. It's big and beefy and chock-full-o-flavor. Eating a few hard pretzels is like eating a meal. No lie, I've actually eaten a few meals on the go that were just hard pretzels and a drink. This is a man's pretzel. The best part about hard pretzels is the twisty part in the middle. It usually has just a bit more salt on it and has plenty of hard-baked dough to munch on. Like a fine wine or a good draught beer, these pretzels are meant to be savored. If it wasn't for the amount of time it takes to eat just one these would be higher on the list.

2. Snaps
Snaps are new players on the block. But that didn't stop them from jumping up to the top. (Actually, these things may have been around forever, I'm just new to them. Details.) Here's why snaps are good. They have the good flavor of the sticks, but they have more pretzel in a smaller volume. Every bite of snaps brings with it some delicious pretzel goodness. And also, if you're OCD like me, you can eat out certain squares to try to make new designs. Snaps are also good because you can easily grab a handful and just pop them while watching tv or studying or whatever it is that kids do these days.


1. Nibblers
Nibbler are by far the best pounder variety of pretzels. In fact, if you ask someone for a pounder, you will get a bag of nibblers. It is the only pretzel that can be asked for not by name. Nibblers provide the substance of the hard pretzel with the popability (I made that word up) of the snaps. They may very well be the crack of the pretzel world. Once you start eating a few, you just can't stop.




So what have we learned here today children? Nothing really. Just don't ever buy olde tyme pretzels, they are awful. Nibblers are delicious. Sticks are fun to play with. Andrew has too much time on his hands. Though not so much that he can't blog more often. So the next time you're out at Giant or what have you and looking for salted snacks, meander on over to the pretzel aisle and pick up a pounder.

Dear Gary

You owe me monies in the amount of $(whatever it costs to fix this). I accept only straight cash, homie. Thank you for your concern in this matter.

Frank Haith pwns Gary

So it's come to this - Gary losing yet again to a man who wears no jacket, no tie, and has a visible wife beater on under his white dress shirt. Say it ain't so. I guess it's no worse than losing to Todd Bozeman, who literally looked like a homeless man dressed in whatever was available right before game time. Why dress apparel is relevant, I have no idea, but do you think I'm actually going to post about the game??

But at least Adrian Bowie brought Sexy Back.

More Coach Replacements

It has been a very inconsistent several years to be a Maryland Terrapins basketball fan, to say the least. The team has failed to make the NCAA tournament in three of the past four seasons, despite having a team capable of making it in the ACC's current weakened position. There have really only been two consistently dominant ACC teams (who shall not be named), Duke and UNC (its probably a good idea to stop reading the parentheses while you still can), while the rest of the conference has been left in mediocrity (though mediocrity in the ACC is still better than the best the Big 10 has to offer), struggling to get into the tournament on a consistent basis (Is there a super run-on after a normal run-on sentence has gone too far?). In this fluctuating conference the Terps only managed one tournament appearance. The line-up has gone through some rather radical changes during this time, but only once did it prove to be good enough for a tournament bid. The only constant through all of this has been Gary. The two single biggest issues with Gary seem to be his inability or lack of care towards recruiting and the inability to get the team to play consistent basketball (which is the problem with almost any team here at the university). With those two issues in mind my colleague wrote of how one Jack Bauer would be a soultion to these problems. However, seeing as he is currently tied up in a national crisis at the moment (a one day crisis that lasts over four months; how is that even possible?), here is a list of several other coaching candidates.

Jay-Z : The man from the murder capital would be a great fit right outside our nation's capital. After all, any man who can put Brooklyn on his back could surely carry this floundering team back to the promised land. Recruiting obviously wouldn't be a problem (this is the HOV (A) we are talking about) as he already has many connections in the basketball world (LeBron still has four years of eligibility, right?). And, under the hypnotic spell of HOVA's magnificent lyrics there is no chance the team would ever fail to play up their potential on any given night. If they did Jay-Z would no longer just murder for capital, he'd murder for respect (though more likely, as just as scary scenario would be to force the team to play for the Nets...eww). Another plus, would be the addition of Beyonce to sing the national anthem at every home game a huge upgrade over the guy who sings at half the games.

James Bond - See Jack Bauer, but add women, gadgets, and cars. Don't know how those would make for a better basketball team, but a license to kill would have to help in some way I haven't quite figured out...yet.

Barack Obama - So I may not agree with the man's political views, but he does have the power to inspire people, even Oprah. The man has promised change to the country, which is something this program needs after this stagnant run. Logistically he will live less than ten miles away. And with a police escort carving its way through DC traffic to each game it should only be a twenty or so minute commute. The President's helicopter is another valid choice for transportation. Or that alien technology we saw in Independence Day. That technology is ten years old now, that spaceship should be able to teleport by now. Anyway, the point is that the school is too close for him to not take on the job. Just don't let his brother-in-law be involved with team in any way, shape, or form (because let's face it, he hasn't done that great of a job with Oregon State, to say that the suck would be an understatement).

Tim Tebow - [Insert Tim Tebowism here, but only ones that weren't already Chuck Norris-isms or Jack Bauerisms]

Emperor Palpatine/Lord Voldemort - I enjoy being hated by the rest of the country for being a team full of badasses that will beat your team into pulp (see the Baltimore Ravens). I have grouped these two together because they would accomplish this by similar means. Both have means of mind control (through either the Force or Occulmency) which would prove invaluable in recruiting and getting bogus calls on the court overturned (the second of which would even out the distinct advantage Duke already has). Once you get past the fact that Voldemort is pretty much Hitler, his minions look like the Klu-Klux Klan, and Stormtroopers derive their name from the Nazi SS we can finally have a winning team again (though we should probably find a coach not deranged on ethnic cleansing, but solely on the success of our team).

These are just a few options for our basketball team, but why stop there. Our football team is as up and down as the basketball team (Fridge also sucks at recruiting as much as Gary does right now) and our AD holds the balls of the entire athletic department. Imagine if Jack Bauer ran not just the basketball and football teams, but the entire athletic department as well. And don't say its not possible, the man doesn't eat, sleep, or poop. There wouldn't be a second of wasted time.

It's just too bad that we'll probably get into the tournament somehow this year, only to limp along in mediocrity for another five years. All good things must come to an end. And as much as I love and respect Gary, his time may be coming very soon. The Fridge's time on the other hand was three years ago when he decided we didn't need a qb to run the offense or a defensive line that can play defense. Gary, I want you to be the coach of Maryland for eternity, but you're making it really hard for it to be so. Please learn how to recruit again. Because one day Jack Bauer will have killed every terrorist on the entire planet and then some, and will having nothing better to do than threaten and torture ACC opponents.

Jack Bauer should coach the Terps.

Seriously.

A head coach isn't just a coach, but he's also a General. And the job of a general is to by God get things done. Is there anyone, alive or dead, real or fictional, that has more expertise in the area of getting things done than Jack F Bauer (please say the motherfucking)?

Jack has extensive experience in the area of making hardened terrorists cry like babies while divulging every secret they know within a matter of minutes. That sounds like a guy who can easily handle 16 year old kids and make them want to play for the Terps, no?

Imagine if "WHO DO YOU WORK FOR" and "WHERE IS THE NUCLEAR FOOTBALL" became "WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE ME THE VERBAL COMMITMENT" and "CALL OFF THE TRAVELING VIOLATION".

If you think that Gary's sideline demeanor towards the refs is belligerent, you ain't seen nothing yet. Not a chance that Jamie Lucky screws us out of the Boston College game last year by fouling Greivis out if he knows that our coach would have literally chewed his neck up and spit it out ala Dracula.

You might ask whether or not Jack has any experience with basketball and whether he could handle the areas of coaching aside from recruiting or berating refs. Unfortunately, given that Jack seems not to have the time to even poop or eat, we have to assume that he hasn't had time to learn the finer points of basketball. That being said, the fear he would instill into his players would be more than enough to ensure that they execute better than the 2008 Celtics.

In conclusion, Gary cannot recruit or beat Morgan State anymore, so therefore I posit that hiring a fictional TV show character would be a preferable course of action.

A problem.

Growing up, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches were the way to go. They were gold to me, the pinnacle of every school day lunch. Something about the smooth comforting taste and texture of the peanut butter so intimately joined with the sweet fruit jelly made my tastebuds excited with every bite.

Sometimes, my Power Rangers lunchbox would end up buried under my math and reading books that were shoved willy-nilly in my backpack. They would smoosh the two adjacent pieces of white bread together, molding the two inner ingredients into one. That was the best. It formed a kind of pancake patty sandwich, thin and delicious.

Back then, the ratio of peanut butter to jelly always had to be high. Peanut butter was always far superior, and I would regularly let my dear sweet mother know this.

I would inform her weekly of her PB&J making performance, what she could improve and also praise her when things were just right. And she would always inform me that each one was made with her special ingredient, love. I told her that I could taste the love that she put in there, and that would make her smile.

What I'm writing about, however, is to discuss a turning point in my PB&J life, because I have recently had a poor peanut butter experience. No, I have not acquired an allergy against it or eaten from some expired jar. What I did, though, was settle for buying the store brand peanut butter to save money versus buying one of the known good brands (JIF, Skippy, and Peter Pan).

There are some products where you can save money by simply purchasing the generic store brand (ibuprofen, napkins, and pasta, to name a few), so I mistakenly thought it would be the same for peanut butter. But, in this assumption, I was wrong. I bought Giant brand, saved maybe a buck, and have kicked myself ever since. Don't make the same mistake that I did. Its texture is grainy and unappetizing, its taste lackluster and gross.

Because of this unfortunate error, I have recently reconsidered jelly's role in a good PB&J. Jelly is not to be ignored. It makes peanut butter shine. You can't have one without the other, in my opinion.

I may even go so far as to say jelly is the better component. Maybe it is the 20-year-old me speaking up or some bitter hesitation carrying over from my recent poor peanut butter purchase decision (say that five times fast), but I think I like jelly more. Plus, you have so many more options with jelly. You can have classic grape, strawberry, raspberry, blackberry, boysenberry, and more (basically anything ending in "berry"), and if you want to get wild, you can move away from the jelly and experiment with jam, spread, or preserves, coming from a jar, tub, or the hip new squeeze bottle.

I went grocery shopping tonight to restock my apartment and decided to forget about the old Giant peanut butter and lay down the appropriate funds to buy Skippy creamy brand. I'm not looking back.

But, now I am left with a jar of Giant peanut butter, about 80% full, that I will probable not eat. But, out of some misplaced sense of not wanting to waste it, I don't have the heart to throw it away. Afterall, there are starving kids in China. What to do...what to do?