Ravens Sign Flacco

It's always good news when your team signs its first round pick. It's also good news when it signs him and it doesn't cause the commissioner to throw a shit fit cause young bucks is gettin' G's. The Ravens signed Delaware QB Joe Flacco for a nice sum of 30 million American dollars over the next five years. I have no idea what that does to cap space and all that nonsense, but I don't really care. He's only guaranteed about $8.something million, which isn't a whole hell of a lot. And if Flacco pans out $6 million a year is going to be a steal.

He's got the body to be a good QB at the professional level, he had the numbers in college, and from what I hear he has the mental capacity to learn a playbook and get his shit done.

But here's what I think will truly make him a good quarterback for the Ravens: The dude is ugly as sin.

Pic: Captain Caveman.

Just look at that face. And that isn't a candid picture taken by some fan. That's a picture taken for the team to use in this press release. Even trying to look his best, he is one unsightly character. He's the complete opposite of pretty-boy Kyle Boller. Hopefully his playing style is completely opposite Boller's. He wasn't charming the ladies all through college. Flacco had to be in the trainer's room, watching tape and improving his game. We won't have to worry about Flacco being seen with Tara Reid. His focus is gonna be game first, rich 23 year old second. And seriously, which guy do you want under center with two minutes left in the fourth? Andre the Giant's son or some Matt Leinart wannabe?

How Do Girls Do This?

So I'm a dumbass. Not much new there. But this is just something that should be shared. I know that I've given our loyal readers plenty to make them skeptical about which team I play for, (See: Podcast 2) and this will be no exception. I have recently took it upon myself to do a little "manscaping."And yes, before Josh even comments it, I'm going to say it. "Manscaping FTL."

It wasn't entirely my idea, although I did little to prevent it. I didn't even start the process. It just kinda happened. I was sitting at my table and my friend decided to take a pair of scissors to my arm. Not the flesh, just the hair. Of course, I let her. Dumbass. I could have moved my arm or did some sort of karate move involving incapcitating her, taking the scissors, and doing 2.5 somersaults in the air. Unfortunately for all of us, my speed and agility has gone down with age. That and I'm lazy as sin. So the scissors hit the hair, and there's a pretty big swatch of my arm covering gone. For those who don't know, I am lucky enough to be of Italian descent, which means I get to be a hairy goomba. Here's proof:


That would be my right arm. My friend attacked my left arm. As you'll note, that arm is fairly covered but not "fair"ly covered. That was a hair joke. You should not laugh at it. I'm no Robin Williams, but I'm also no choir boy in the forearm. So when scissors hit hair, it caused a noticeable patch of emptiness. Actually, it was semi-emptiness. There was still some stubble left, which gave me a very "trailer-park" look.

My other buddies, including Ritchmond P. Sinclair, told me I should stop there. I could just write it off as a burn accident. Of course, I didn't move my arm, and my other associate continued to cut. Why I didn't move my arm I don't know. Why I didn't stop the madness, I don't know. But eventually it got to be that my entire arm then looked like it had gone through a fight with a terrible set of clippers.

The stubble was actually kinda cool. It felt like the hair on the back of your neck after you get a haircut. I love that feeling. The thing is, I just like that feeling on my neck, not my arm. I couldn't leave my arm as is because as is was ass ugly. So I decided to go all in and shave my arm. I'll write that again for those too stunned to have read it. I decided to shave my arm.

I first looked for an actual buzzer, but alas, I could not find one in our house. Sidenote 1: What is the official name of those buzzer things? Sidenote 2: I think I lost my mom's buzzer cause I was the last one to use it and now I can't find it. Sorry mom. Back the lecture at hand. So I decided to go at it with only a pair of scissors, some shaving cream, and my trust razor.

I went down to my basement, as all good boys do, to do the job. Mostly it was to keep it clean. Actually, it was all just to keep it clean. I could do the work over a large basin in the basement. Anyway, I went to work with the scissors and didn't do a much better job than my friend. I decided to just fuck it and move straight for the razor. I lathered up and got ready and it was then that I realized that girl's do this shit in the shower like every three days, and I'm already seeing how much of a bitch it is. The face is such a small area to contain. It's just cheeks, mouth, and neck. There is a lot of area on the arm. I can't imagine the whole leg. Not that I'm saying girls should stop shaving their legs. But if you girls wanna be a prickly cactus for a few days, I'm entirely cool by it.

So I shaved my forearm, as that was the only part that had been cut. It's extremely hard to get the elbow and the other side of the arm. Conveniently, I had a mirror to help out, but that still didn't keep the task from being completely daunting. In about ten minutes, I had completely shaved my arm. It was weird. Really weird. I wasn't really sure who's arm I was looking at. Although I had painstakingly finished shaving my forearm, I decided to through caution to the wind and just do my whole arm. I didn't want to look like shit, did I? This was an even harder job to accomplish. The backside of the arm is next to impossible to shave. Not to mention that I hadn't cut any hair on the upper arm and I had to constantly keep washing out the razor. (Quick props to Gillette Fusion for supplying a razor.) So all in all, I spent about a half hour shaving my arm. An interesting experiment, to say the least. Here's what my arm looks like now:

Yeah, huh?

It's most definitely different. I don't know how I feel about it just yet. It was definitely a lot of work for not a whole lot of results. I suppose if I had muscles it would be alright and I could flash off the guns. Yet, I cannot. I am not a muscly-armed paper boy. Oh well. It is kinda cool having the clean shaven forearm as it brings out what little tan I have. It also makes the arm look sleek. I missed a few spots but it's not like I really care. It's still kinda not manly, and I don't think I'd do it again. It's gonna itch when the hair starts growing back, and there's already all sorts of razor marks and soap pimples coming up. The arm is just not used to this treatment. Now all I have to do is explain to people why I only have one arm shaved. Any good suggestions?

Key Moves: Corollary I

Warning (again): Do not attempt any of these moves at home as they may result in major fails and/or hospitalization. Additionally, do not attempt to make up your own key moves. This is also a fail. Only official key moves should be considered KEY.

- Building an Iron Man suit is DEFINITELY a key move.

- Quarantining people so that they won’t infect the general populations in their various sectors is a key move in the field of medicines.

- When fighting anemia, and if possible (i.e. if you are an animal/mutated), devouring an iron pipe is a key move. However, attempting to devour an iron pipe and losing all of one’s teeth is a major fail.

- Using books.google.com to conduct research by searching for key terms instead of actually reading your sources is definitely a key move.

- Sweeping the leg is a key move when attempting to mortally combat people.

- Wearing Jedi cloaks to ward off rain and/or flamethrowers is a key move.

- Being classically trained in one’s field is a key move, especially when attempting to make the rock music. For example, J. Loren, the lead singer for the band Hurt, is classically trained.

The Road to the NIT

Hey friends. Long time no see. Welcome back to our blog, now subtitled "The Road to the NIT" to chronicle the 2009-2009 Maryland Terps' oddessy that will end with the team going for its fourth NIT appearance in five seasons.

You remember that Gus Gilchrist fella that transferred from Maryland earlier this month? As it turns out, he'll be going to the University of South Florida.

The decision to end up at South Florida over Kentucky and West Virginia, as well as previous destinations Maryland and Virginia Tech, plus Georgetown, which had heavily recruited him last fall, is mind boggling. South Florida has failed to make the post season 4 out of the past 5 years. And we're not talking about the NCAA or even the NIT. The Bulls haven't even made their Conference Tournament in those four seasons.

The ostensible reason for the change of heart was for Gus to go somewhere where he'll have four years of eligibility. As you'll certainly remember, the ACC screwed Maryland ove- er, decided to enforce a rule which essentially stripped Gilchrist of 3 semesters of eligibility as a penalty for reneging on his Letter of Intent to Virginia Tech only to later sign with another conference affiliate.

Of course, Gilchrist was a member of the Terps' team last season, meaning that his eligibility clock is ticking. He will now have sit out next season as a transfer before having three years of eligibility left starting with the 2009-2010 season. That's only about 10 games more than he'd play here at Maryland, not to mention that he has to go another season without playing.

He will seek a waiver that allows him to play next season without the standard year on the bench, but that will be a long shot. There might be a very, very slim chance of Gilchrist coming back if he doesn't get that waiver, but don't be on it.

In the end, it works out worse for both parties. Maryland's frontcourt is decimated with the loss of its best post player while Gilchrist will have gone about 30 months between competitive games when he debuts with South Florida in November 2009. Not a wise choice for Gilchrist unless he get his waiver.

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Sean Mosley still has not qualified academically next season. Or perhaps he has, and we haven't heard anything about it. This is a very important recruit, in case anyone didn't know, and losing him would be just another epic dagger - an excalibur sword, as if Gilchrist transferring wasn't enough. If he does qualify, he should be good enough to step right in and split time at the shooting guard spot with Adrian Bowie. That's my plan at least. Coach Williams' plan may be for Eric Hayes to start at the 2 again which would be an interesting tactic by the future Hall of Fame coach.

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James Gist got drafted! Finally, some good news. It looked shaky for awhile before the Spurs took him with the 58th overall pick.

Gist is undersized for an NBA Power Forward, and he doesn't yet possess the skills to play the Small Forward in the NBA, either. He is a good (not great) shooter for his size with tremendous athleticism. He will be able to run the floor and throw down some dunks in transition at the pro level. He can play facing the basket to an extent which will help him compensate for his lack of size. He is also an excellent shot blocker and rebounded well on the defensive end last season.

There is little doubt that the Spurs put as much or more emphasis on defense as any team in the NBA, so if Gist wants to stick with San Antonio, he'll have to be a solid defender. Gist is a great leaper and shot blocker, but his position defense has not been especially noteworthy at the collegiate level due in part to his lack of upper body strength. In addition, Gist will likely be called on to guard players on the perimeter more frequently which will test his lateral quickness.

Gist will need to improve to stick in the NBA, but he has improved substantially throughout his Maryland career. He should continue to do so enough to carve out at least a respectable career coming off the bench in the NBA.

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And now back to your regularly scheduled bad news. Greivis Vasquez had ankle surgery and will not be able to play until the fall. At this point, he's expected to be back well advance of the

start of practice which qualifies as good news in Maryland Basketball these days. Hopefully there will be no lasting effects that cause the General to start a step slow next season.

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And in another piece of good news, football season is only two months away. Any Terps' football fan should check out Terrapins Rising on CSN (Mon, 9 PM) to get a look at what the team went through during spring practice. James Franklin (Terps' new Offensive Coordinator) is a baller.

Dammit all!

This certainly sucks

Greetings from the Florida!

Hello all! It's been quite a tumultuous few days weeks months for me here at the Says Things blog. Due to contract holdouts, I haven't been able to blog regularly about things and such. Of course, in that time the blog has fallen off precipitously. Also, I amaze myself that I just spelled "precipitously" correct in one try.

As I'm sure you've already heard by now by the collective screams coming out of College Park, Augustus P. Gilchrist has reneged on his commitment. If you're keeping count here, that's two in the past month. That's not so bad though. Recruits make commitments and break them all the time. That's why they're selfish assholes who I hate/adore. Of course, most of the time that's a verbal commitment that's broken.

And it's not in May/July when seniors have already graduated.

And have selected schools.

And aren't in high school anymore.

And when it's easier to find another recruit

DAMMIT!

For what it's worth, here's the Terps' roster for next year, broken down by class:

Seniors: One. David "El Tiempo de Dave" Neal
Juniors: Three. Eric "Professional Sex Machine" Hayes, Landon "Not Dining Hall" Milbourne, and Greivis "¡Arriba!" Vasquez.
RS Sophmore: One. Jerome "Fills the Cup" Burney
Sophomores: Five. Adrian "From Greenbelt Not From" Bowie, Braxton "Manatee" Dupree, Dino "In the Doghouse" Gregory, Clifton "P" Tucker, David "Walk-on" Pearman.
Freshman: Null Set

Yes, that's right ladies and folks. Your Maryland Terrapin's current roster for the 2008-2009 basketball season features four (4) less players than when the season ended in March. We have ten men on our team. A five man bench. Let that wash over for you for a little bit. Have you let it sink in yet? Good. Shocking, isn't it? Sucks, don't it?

Yup, that's the Maryland Men's Basketball team. True, we could always find a random JuCo transfer before August. Or we could find some scrap heap player who just graduated. Or we could have a team with four walk on players. I mean, last year UNC had no scholarship freshman, and they went to the Final Four. So it's possible, right?

To think that I wanted to come back to school so I could have another season of free basketball tickets.

And there was weeping and gnashing of teeth...

Who's up for transferring to UCLA? Cute girls, dry warm climate, good sports, not annoying...