How Do Girls Do This?

So I'm a dumbass. Not much new there. But this is just something that should be shared. I know that I've given our loyal readers plenty to make them skeptical about which team I play for, (See: Podcast 2) and this will be no exception. I have recently took it upon myself to do a little "manscaping."And yes, before Josh even comments it, I'm going to say it. "Manscaping FTL."

It wasn't entirely my idea, although I did little to prevent it. I didn't even start the process. It just kinda happened. I was sitting at my table and my friend decided to take a pair of scissors to my arm. Not the flesh, just the hair. Of course, I let her. Dumbass. I could have moved my arm or did some sort of karate move involving incapcitating her, taking the scissors, and doing 2.5 somersaults in the air. Unfortunately for all of us, my speed and agility has gone down with age. That and I'm lazy as sin. So the scissors hit the hair, and there's a pretty big swatch of my arm covering gone. For those who don't know, I am lucky enough to be of Italian descent, which means I get to be a hairy goomba. Here's proof:


That would be my right arm. My friend attacked my left arm. As you'll note, that arm is fairly covered but not "fair"ly covered. That was a hair joke. You should not laugh at it. I'm no Robin Williams, but I'm also no choir boy in the forearm. So when scissors hit hair, it caused a noticeable patch of emptiness. Actually, it was semi-emptiness. There was still some stubble left, which gave me a very "trailer-park" look.

My other buddies, including Ritchmond P. Sinclair, told me I should stop there. I could just write it off as a burn accident. Of course, I didn't move my arm, and my other associate continued to cut. Why I didn't move my arm I don't know. Why I didn't stop the madness, I don't know. But eventually it got to be that my entire arm then looked like it had gone through a fight with a terrible set of clippers.

The stubble was actually kinda cool. It felt like the hair on the back of your neck after you get a haircut. I love that feeling. The thing is, I just like that feeling on my neck, not my arm. I couldn't leave my arm as is because as is was ass ugly. So I decided to go all in and shave my arm. I'll write that again for those too stunned to have read it. I decided to shave my arm.

I first looked for an actual buzzer, but alas, I could not find one in our house. Sidenote 1: What is the official name of those buzzer things? Sidenote 2: I think I lost my mom's buzzer cause I was the last one to use it and now I can't find it. Sorry mom. Back the lecture at hand. So I decided to go at it with only a pair of scissors, some shaving cream, and my trust razor.

I went down to my basement, as all good boys do, to do the job. Mostly it was to keep it clean. Actually, it was all just to keep it clean. I could do the work over a large basin in the basement. Anyway, I went to work with the scissors and didn't do a much better job than my friend. I decided to just fuck it and move straight for the razor. I lathered up and got ready and it was then that I realized that girl's do this shit in the shower like every three days, and I'm already seeing how much of a bitch it is. The face is such a small area to contain. It's just cheeks, mouth, and neck. There is a lot of area on the arm. I can't imagine the whole leg. Not that I'm saying girls should stop shaving their legs. But if you girls wanna be a prickly cactus for a few days, I'm entirely cool by it.

So I shaved my forearm, as that was the only part that had been cut. It's extremely hard to get the elbow and the other side of the arm. Conveniently, I had a mirror to help out, but that still didn't keep the task from being completely daunting. In about ten minutes, I had completely shaved my arm. It was weird. Really weird. I wasn't really sure who's arm I was looking at. Although I had painstakingly finished shaving my forearm, I decided to through caution to the wind and just do my whole arm. I didn't want to look like shit, did I? This was an even harder job to accomplish. The backside of the arm is next to impossible to shave. Not to mention that I hadn't cut any hair on the upper arm and I had to constantly keep washing out the razor. (Quick props to Gillette Fusion for supplying a razor.) So all in all, I spent about a half hour shaving my arm. An interesting experiment, to say the least. Here's what my arm looks like now:

Yeah, huh?

It's most definitely different. I don't know how I feel about it just yet. It was definitely a lot of work for not a whole lot of results. I suppose if I had muscles it would be alright and I could flash off the guns. Yet, I cannot. I am not a muscly-armed paper boy. Oh well. It is kinda cool having the clean shaven forearm as it brings out what little tan I have. It also makes the arm look sleek. I missed a few spots but it's not like I really care. It's still kinda not manly, and I don't think I'd do it again. It's gonna itch when the hair starts growing back, and there's already all sorts of razor marks and soap pimples coming up. The arm is just not used to this treatment. Now all I have to do is explain to people why I only have one arm shaved. Any good suggestions?