Enter The Red Zone. That's the slogan for the 2008 Terps Football Season. It's catchy enough, and it makes for some great posters to hang in your dorm room. With the season just five weeks away, let's preview the team that will be going to the 2009 Orange Bowl! (Our slogan for the 2008 Says Things Blogger Season: We believe in Terps Football because that's all there is!)
That's right, the Terrapins are going to win the conference, and the media doesn't even know it yet. They just picked the Terps to finish fifth in the Atlantic Division, with C Edwin Williams being the only Terp named to the preseason All-ACC team, no doubt because of his Terpness (in a related matter, Dave Neal grew four inches and will be averaging a double-double this season). But there are more Terps ready to destroy the ACC, and here are a few.
Offensive MVP - Darrius Heyward-Bey, WR. This guy is good. And fast. Faster than the Flash and that white sprinter who's going to dominate in the Olympics.
He's all set to have huge season catching the ball on his way to becoming a first round pick in 2009 NFL draft- at least that's what my "sources" with the scoops on the 2009 mock drafts say. His numbers have been depressed somewhat by the lack of aggressiveness in Coach Friedgen's offense, but hopefully new offensive coordinator James Franklin's take on the West Coast Offense will lead to more touches for DHB. He wasn't even named as a preseason All-ACC selection (Aaron Kelly of Clemson and Hakeem Nicks of UNC were), but that doesn't stop him from having more upside than any wide receiver in the country besides the insane Michael Crabtree of Texas Tech.
Defensive MVP - Adrian Moten, LB. Last year's MVP was Erin Henderson. Guys that play LB for Maryland with the name of Henderson tend to be really, really good. And despite leaving early and going undrafted in April, Erin Henderson certainly was really, really good. It's tempting to pick Dave Philistin to replace Henderson considering that he racked up 124 tackles.
But we're going to go with the guy who has all the potential in the world. As a redshirt freshman last season, he finished second on the team in sacks (behind NFL draft pick Dre Moore) and third in tackles for loss (behind Henderson and Moore) without even starting a game. What a beast. He also tied for the team lead in forced fumbles with three. Now that he'll be starting, expect his numbers to soar and expect to hear Johnny Holliday call his name a LOT on Saturdays this fall.
Breakout Player - Da'Rel Scott, RB. I love the Fridge, but the man went to the well too often with now-departed RB Keon Lattimore and Lance Ball when neither produced as well as they had in the past. Scott, then a RS FR, got limited touches, but tended to make something happen when he did get the ball. Now he'll have his chance, either as the featured back or more likely as part of split role with Morgan Green. Either way, Scott will touch the ball at least 15-20 times a game and will show off his game changing speed and shiftiness. Last year Scott had only 15 plays from scrimmage but still managed to break off two gains of 30+ yards. Expect more of the same this season.
So there you have it, a bare minimum preview of YOUR Maryland Terrapins, volume 2008. There will be more as the season draws closer. . . or maybe there won't be more. I haven't decided. Just remember that these three players are men among boys on the field.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
Ravens Sign Flacco
It's always good news when your team signs its first round pick. It's also good news when it signs him and it doesn't cause the commissioner to throw a shit fit cause young bucks is gettin' G's. The Ravens signed Delaware QB Joe Flacco for a nice sum of 30 million American dollars over the next five years. I have no idea what that does to cap space and all that nonsense, but I don't really care. He's only guaranteed about $8.something million, which isn't a whole hell of a lot. And if Flacco pans out $6 million a year is going to be a steal.
He's got the body to be a good QB at the professional level, he had the numbers in college, and from what I hear he has the mental capacity to learn a playbook and get his shit done.
But here's what I think will truly make him a good quarterback for the Ravens: The dude is ugly as sin.
Pic: Captain Caveman.
Just look at that face. And that isn't a candid picture taken by some fan. That's a picture taken for the team to use in this press release. Even trying to look his best, he is one unsightly character. He's the complete opposite of pretty-boy Kyle Boller. Hopefully his playing style is completely opposite Boller's. He wasn't charming the ladies all through college. Flacco had to be in the trainer's room, watching tape and improving his game. We won't have to worry about Flacco being seen with Tara Reid. His focus is gonna be game first, rich 23 year old second. And seriously, which guy do you want under center with two minutes left in the fourth? Andre the Giant's son or some Matt Leinart wannabe?
He's got the body to be a good QB at the professional level, he had the numbers in college, and from what I hear he has the mental capacity to learn a playbook and get his shit done.
But here's what I think will truly make him a good quarterback for the Ravens: The dude is ugly as sin.
Pic: Captain Caveman.Friday, July 11, 2008
How Do Girls Do This?
So I'm a dumbass. Not much new there. But this is just something that should be shared. I know that I've given our loyal readers plenty to make them skeptical about which team I play for, (See: Podcast 2) and this will be no exception. I have recently took it upon myself to do a little "manscaping."And yes, before Josh even comments it, I'm going to say it. "Manscaping FTL."
It wasn't entirely my idea, although I did little to prevent it. I didn't even start the process. It just kinda happened. I was sitting at my table and my friend decided to take a pair of scissors to my arm. Not the flesh, just the hair. Of course, I let her. Dumbass. I could have moved my arm or did some sort of karate move involving incapcitating her, taking the scissors, and doing 2.5 somersaults in the air. Unfortunately for all of us, my speed and agility has gone down with age. That and I'm lazy as sin. So the scissors hit the hair, and there's a pretty big swatch of my arm covering gone. For those who don't know, I am lucky enough to be of Italian descent, which means I get to be a hairy goomba. Here's proof:
That would be my right arm. My friend attacked my left arm. As you'll note, that arm is fairly covered but not "fair"ly covered. That was a hair joke. You should not laugh at it. I'm no Robin Williams, but I'm also no choir boy in the forearm. So when scissors hit hair, it caused a noticeable patch of emptiness. Actually, it was semi-emptiness. There was still some stubble left, which gave me a very "trailer-park" look.
My other buddies, including Ritchmond P. Sinclair, told me I should stop there. I could just write it off as a burn accident. Of course, I didn't move my arm, and my other associate continued to cut. Why I didn't move my arm I don't know. Why I didn't stop the madness, I don't know. But eventually it got to be that my entire arm then looked like it had gone through a fight with a terrible set of clippers.
The stubble was actually kinda cool. It felt like the hair on the back of your neck after you get a haircut. I love that feeling. The thing is, I just like that feeling on my neck, not my arm. I couldn't leave my arm as is because as is was ass ugly. So I decided to go all in and shave my arm. I'll write that again for those too stunned to have read it. I decided to shave my arm.
I first looked for an actual buzzer, but alas, I could not find one in our house. Sidenote 1: What is the official name of those buzzer things? Sidenote 2: I think I lost my mom's buzzer cause I was the last one to use it and now I can't find it. Sorry mom. Back the lecture at hand. So I decided to go at it with only a pair of scissors, some shaving cream, and my trust razor.
I went down to my basement, as all good boys do, to do the job. Mostly it was to keep it clean. Actually, it was all just to keep it clean. I could do the work over a large basin in the basement. Anyway, I went to work with the scissors and didn't do a much better job than my friend. I decided to just fuck it and move straight for the razor. I lathered up and got ready and it was then that I realized that girl's do this shit in the shower like every three days, and I'm already seeing how much of a bitch it is. The face is such a small area to contain. It's just cheeks, mouth, and neck. There is a lot of area on the arm. I can't imagine the whole leg. Not that I'm saying girls should stop shaving their legs. But if you girls wanna be a prickly cactus for a few days, I'm entirely cool by it.
So I shaved my forearm, as that was the only part that had been cut. It's extremely hard to get the elbow and the other side of the arm. Conveniently, I had a mirror to help out, but that still didn't keep the task from being completely daunting. In about ten minutes, I had completely shaved my arm. It was weird. Really weird. I wasn't really sure who's arm I was looking at. Although I had painstakingly finished shaving my forearm, I decided to through caution to the wind and just do my whole arm. I didn't want to look like shit, did I? This was an even harder job to accomplish. The backside of the arm is next to impossible to shave. Not to mention that I hadn't cut any hair on the upper arm and I had to constantly keep washing out the razor. (Quick props to Gillette Fusion for supplying a razor.) So all in all, I spent about a half hour shaving my arm. An interesting experiment, to say the least. Here's what my arm looks like now:
Yeah, huh?
It's most definitely different. I don't know how I feel about it just yet. It was definitely a lot of work for not a whole lot of results. I suppose if I had muscles it would be alright and I could flash off the guns. Yet, I cannot. I am not a muscly-armed paper boy. Oh well. It is kinda cool having the clean shaven forearm as it brings out what little tan I have. It also makes the arm look sleek. I missed a few spots but it's not like I really care. It's still kinda not manly, and I don't think I'd do it again. It's gonna itch when the hair starts growing back, and there's already all sorts of razor marks and soap pimples coming up. The arm is just not used to this treatment. Now all I have to do is explain to people why I only have one arm shaved. Any good suggestions?
It wasn't entirely my idea, although I did little to prevent it. I didn't even start the process. It just kinda happened. I was sitting at my table and my friend decided to take a pair of scissors to my arm. Not the flesh, just the hair. Of course, I let her. Dumbass. I could have moved my arm or did some sort of karate move involving incapcitating her, taking the scissors, and doing 2.5 somersaults in the air. Unfortunately for all of us, my speed and agility has gone down with age. That and I'm lazy as sin. So the scissors hit the hair, and there's a pretty big swatch of my arm covering gone. For those who don't know, I am lucky enough to be of Italian descent, which means I get to be a hairy goomba. Here's proof:
That would be my right arm. My friend attacked my left arm. As you'll note, that arm is fairly covered but not "fair"ly covered. That was a hair joke. You should not laugh at it. I'm no Robin Williams, but I'm also no choir boy in the forearm. So when scissors hit hair, it caused a noticeable patch of emptiness. Actually, it was semi-emptiness. There was still some stubble left, which gave me a very "trailer-park" look.
My other buddies, including Ritchmond P. Sinclair, told me I should stop there. I could just write it off as a burn accident. Of course, I didn't move my arm, and my other associate continued to cut. Why I didn't move my arm I don't know. Why I didn't stop the madness, I don't know. But eventually it got to be that my entire arm then looked like it had gone through a fight with a terrible set of clippers.
The stubble was actually kinda cool. It felt like the hair on the back of your neck after you get a haircut. I love that feeling. The thing is, I just like that feeling on my neck, not my arm. I couldn't leave my arm as is because as is was ass ugly. So I decided to go all in and shave my arm. I'll write that again for those too stunned to have read it. I decided to shave my arm.
I first looked for an actual buzzer, but alas, I could not find one in our house. Sidenote 1: What is the official name of those buzzer things? Sidenote 2: I think I lost my mom's buzzer cause I was the last one to use it and now I can't find it. Sorry mom. Back the lecture at hand. So I decided to go at it with only a pair of scissors, some shaving cream, and my trust razor.
I went down to my basement, as all good boys do, to do the job. Mostly it was to keep it clean. Actually, it was all just to keep it clean. I could do the work over a large basin in the basement. Anyway, I went to work with the scissors and didn't do a much better job than my friend. I decided to just fuck it and move straight for the razor. I lathered up and got ready and it was then that I realized that girl's do this shit in the shower like every three days, and I'm already seeing how much of a bitch it is. The face is such a small area to contain. It's just cheeks, mouth, and neck. There is a lot of area on the arm. I can't imagine the whole leg. Not that I'm saying girls should stop shaving their legs. But if you girls wanna be a prickly cactus for a few days, I'm entirely cool by it.
So I shaved my forearm, as that was the only part that had been cut. It's extremely hard to get the elbow and the other side of the arm. Conveniently, I had a mirror to help out, but that still didn't keep the task from being completely daunting. In about ten minutes, I had completely shaved my arm. It was weird. Really weird. I wasn't really sure who's arm I was looking at. Although I had painstakingly finished shaving my forearm, I decided to through caution to the wind and just do my whole arm. I didn't want to look like shit, did I? This was an even harder job to accomplish. The backside of the arm is next to impossible to shave. Not to mention that I hadn't cut any hair on the upper arm and I had to constantly keep washing out the razor. (Quick props to Gillette Fusion for supplying a razor.) So all in all, I spent about a half hour shaving my arm. An interesting experiment, to say the least. Here's what my arm looks like now:
Yeah, huh?It's most definitely different. I don't know how I feel about it just yet. It was definitely a lot of work for not a whole lot of results. I suppose if I had muscles it would be alright and I could flash off the guns. Yet, I cannot. I am not a muscly-armed paper boy. Oh well. It is kinda cool having the clean shaven forearm as it brings out what little tan I have. It also makes the arm look sleek. I missed a few spots but it's not like I really care. It's still kinda not manly, and I don't think I'd do it again. It's gonna itch when the hair starts growing back, and there's already all sorts of razor marks and soap pimples coming up. The arm is just not used to this treatment. Now all I have to do is explain to people why I only have one arm shaved. Any good suggestions?
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