Same Old Story, Same Old Song and Dance

NOTE: This is a draft of a post I started writing 2-3 years ago. It was meant to be a sweet awesome compilation, but I got lazy and never finished. I feel like sharing this with you because I know I'll never finish it :( Here goes...

As a student at the University of Maryland, I've had the opportunity to get tickets to hundreds of Division 1A sporting events where I've been able to watch some of the best amateur athletes in the world. No offense to the Wrestling, Golf, Women's Tennis, or any of the 24 other sports of the "27 Sports, 1 Team" of Maryland athletics, but other than a few soccer games. one lacrosse game, and one baseball game, I've only ever gotten tickets to Men's Basketball and Football games. It's definitely not a stretch to say that these 2 teams are the most popular on campus, as well as in the minds and hearts of fans and alumni across the country.

I've witnessed 5 and a half combined seasons of Terps football and basketball since enrolling in Fall 2006. I've seen home games in person at Byrd and Comcast, and I've watched road games on ESPN, ABC, and the Raycom/Lincoln Financial and Raycom/Jefferson Pilot Splits. After tonight's Boston College meltdown, I've realized this can't be a simple case of deja vu. Too many times I've asked anyone who'd listen, "Haven't we seen this before?" Too many times I've turned to Steve right before a crucial play and predicted it perfectly (See my psychic abilities here).

So I've come to the conclusion that Terps athletes are simply paid actors acting out the same script over and over again, with the gridiron or the hardwood as their stage. This basketball season has followed the script to the T, and given me everything I've come to expect in an up-and-down Maryland sports season:

ACT I: The game we had no business winning on paper, but somehow pulled out

(This act is pretty much self explanatory. Going up against a seemingly better, more talented team, the Terps find a way to win. "That's why they play the games." This win always brings a sense of false hope to a young or seemingly hopeless season. Note: Apparently beating superior competition is as simple as knowing who you're going up against, and not letting them off the hook. Thank you, Dennis Green.)

2008-09 Basketball: 11/27/08 vs (6) Michigan State at the Old Spice Classic

Gary led his (3-0) Terps into this Thanksgiving Weekend tournament after a shaky performance at home against an inferior Vermont team that was saved only by a buzzer-beater three from the general at the end of regulation. Expected to compete for a while, but ultimately fall to the top-ten team due to a lack of an inside game, the Terps recieved a gift when the Spartans' best post player, Goran Suton, was sidelined with an injury. Dave Neal stepped up and took advantage in a HUGE breakout game, using what Gary called "YMCA moves" to torch the Michigan State D for 17 PTS on only 10 FGA, including a perfect 3-3 3FG, and 5 REB in only 17 minutes. Greivis also had a solid all-around night with 17PTS 4REB 6AST, while Hayes added 13PTS 6REB 5AST and Big Sexy chipped in 13PTS 2REB 2AST. It was a great team performance and at that point, seemed to answer some questions regarding the Terps' ability to play in big games.

Final Score: Terps 80, (6) Michigan State 62

2007-08 Basketball: 1/19/08 at (1) North Carolina

Last year, the Terps headed down to Chapel Hill for their matchup with the undefeated and top-ranked Tar Heels with a sloppy 11-7 record, which included unexpected home losses to Ohio and American (see ACT II), and a neutral court loss to VCU in the BB&T Classic. With such inconsistent play, the Terps left many fans wondering if they could even keep the game close. The first half went back and forth, with each team leading at times, but Maryland went into the locker room up by 6 thanks to James Gist who had a monster half with 13PTs 9REB, and Greivis who dished out 7AST. James and Boom ultimately were the key to containing All-American forward Tyler Hansbrough. Although he finished with 17PTS 14REB, the duo of Osby (12PTS 5REB) and Gist (22PTS 13REB) kept him below his season scoring average. General Greivis also ran the offense efficiently, as the Terps posted 82PTS on only 64FGA, and he finished with 12PTS 6REB 11AST. Thanks to a late game bucket that was ALMOST a travel by everyone's favorite Terp, Maryland left the Dean Dome with a W.

Final Score: Terps 82, (1) UNC 80

2007 Football: 11/10/07 vs (8) Boston College

There are very few games after which I save my computer-printed student ticket stub, but this is one of them. It was by far the most memorable game I've ever seen at Byrd Stadium. It was late in the season, it was cold, and apparently the game wasn't important enough for Andrew and Rob. Nevertheless, Steve, Zach, and I braved the low temperatures to sit through a seemingly inevitable loss at the hands of a more talented and successful team led by a Top-5 NFL Draft Pick. What we got was one of the best games in recent UMD Football history.

Final Score: Terps 42, (8) BC 35

2006-07 Basketball: 2/25/07 vs (5) North Carolina

My freshman year, despite attending almost every home game, I was unable to get a ticket to the Duke game, so the most memorable game I saw at Comcast was against the fifth-ranked Tar Heels. After a 4-point home loss to UVA 3 weeks earlier, the Terps managed to string together 4 consecutive wins vs Duke, at NC State, at Clemson, and vs Florida State. All three starting seniors, Ibekwe, DJ, and Mike Jones (WHO?), continued their hot play, and ultimately won the game for the good guys. UNC came roaring out of the gate, winning the tipoff and getting an easy layup for their star, the aforementioned Hansbrough, to go up by two just 24 seconds into the game. The lead was stretched to 13 on two seperate occasions, but by halftime it had been cut to 3 behind 10PTS from DJ Strawberry and 8PTS from Gist. Maryland was able to keep the game close for the first 10 minutes of the second half, staying within single digits until the 10:21 mark, when Ty Lawson hit a 3 to put UNC up 69-59. The defecit was 12 with 7:13 remaining. From that point, Mike Jones (WHO?) and DJ just took over.

Final Score: Terps 89, (5) UNC 87

ACT II: The game that we, NO MATTER WHAT, should not have lost, but somehow didn't win

(I hope you enjoyed ACT I, because from here on out, this script is a tragedy. There are some games under which no circumstances is a loss expected, or acceptable. These are the cupcake games, the gimmes, the final scores that are so lopsided they make you say, "Wow, did I read that box score right?" Unfortunately, they DID force you to ask yourself that question, but not because of the margin of victory, but because the Terps didn't end up on the winning side. These games also help destroy that sense of hope instilled in ACT I.)

2008-09 Basketball: 1/7/09 vs Morgan State

After terrible home losses during winter break the year before to Ohio and American (see below), it appeared the Terps had navigated the potentially dangerous waters of the non-conference schedule with only (10) Gonzaga and (16) Georgetown as blemishes on their 11-2 record (for more on the Georgetown game, see ACT IV below). Of all the non-conference teams we were scheduled to play this year, Morgan State seemed to be the biggest cupcake of them all. We had survived Vermont, and logged solid wins against Charlotte, American, and even a solid Michigan team at home already. What did we have to fear against Morgan State and Todd Bozeman? The answer was a 6'4" junior guard from Baltimore who played HS ball with Bonecrusher. Reggie Holmes exploded for 25PTS 8REB on 10-22FG including 5-11 3FG. Sadly, this game could also be considered an ACT III performance. With a 11:39 remaining, the Terps enjoyed a healthy 14 point lead. Holmes simply took over the game. From that point, he scored 16PTS on 6-8FG 4-6 3FG while adding 5REB and 1STL. No play was bigger than the offensive rebound/tip-in with 1:30 remaining to put the Bears up 63-61... except for the dagger 3 he hit to put Morgan State up 66-63 with 0:49 left after Dave Neal had hit 2FT to tie the game at 63. It's amazing how a player shooting that well was able to get that many open looks. Oh wait, he probably was being guarded by Eric Hayes.

Final Score: Terps 65, Morgan State 66

2008 Football: at Middle Tennessee State

Final Score:

2007-08 Basketball: vs ohio, vs american

Final Score:

ACT III: The Epic Fail

(In this act, no matter whether we were underdogs, favorites, or evenly matched, we found a way to accrue a faily large lead late in the game, but managed to blow it. These games are the epitome of choke. They also could easily appear on FAIL BLOG. If ACT II didn't destroy your hope for the season, this will certainly do the trick.)

2008-09 Basketball: 1/14/09 at Miami
The first ACC road game of the season turned out to be a memorable one for most Terp fans. Sure, the game was close and there was a slight chance Greivis's 27 foot heave from the top of the key at the buzzer could have fallen, giving the Terps a great W. But we never should have let McClinton shoot the 'Canes back into the game. With 12:32 remaining in the game, Dino (he went to my high school) hit a layup off a pass from Greivis, and we went up 52-35. So how in the world do we end up with the L? From that point on, the Terps scored on only 8 points on 16 possessions, including shooting 3-15 FG, 0-5 3FG, grabbing only 4 OREB, and committing 4 TO. As much as I love me some Adrian Bowie and his 23PTS 5REB 3AST 2STL, he turned the ball over on 3 consecutive possessions with under 2 minutes to play, and those 3 TO led to 5 Miami points. Good teams don't blow 17-point second-half leads. Sadly, though, this isn't anywhere NEAR the worst ACT III performances.
Final Score: Terps 60, Miami 62

2007-08 Basketball: 3/2/08 vs (22) Clemson

There already exists an entire post of my thoughts and feelings which was written hours after the game, which can be seen here, but I will attempt to take a more statistical analysis regarding the game in this post. Despite some early season losses, the Terps managed to turn the season around by upsetting (1) UNC on the road and continued their hot play throught much of the conference season. Realistically needing to win out to get an NCAA Tournament bid, the Terps welcomed the 22nd ranked Tigers and their 20-7 record to the Comcast Center for an expectedly close ACC conference game. What they got was a jarring, confidence-shaking loss that further exaggerated the Terps inability to close out games. Simply put, this was the most frustrating, demoralizing game I've ever seen in person. To this day, all other losses are measured relative to the Oglesby game. With 11:21 remaining, Greivis scored a putback off a missed layup by Cliff Tucker, putting the Terps up 20, 59-39, forcing Oliver Purnell to call a timeout. Purnell's speech during that timeout must have been damn good, as the Tigers outscored the Terps 34-11 to finish the game. Let me repeat that. 34-11. That is inexcusable. Offense should never simply shut down that badly, and defense should never allow an opponent to score almost as many points in the last 1/4 of the game as they have total through the first 3/4 of the game. The lead was still 13, 68-55, with 4:48 left. Yet in the final 4:48, the Terps managed just 2 points on 8 possessions, shooting 1-6 FG including 0-3 3PTFG and 0-1 FT with 3TO. When your opponent is putting together a solid run to claw back into the game and you can't stop them on D, you have to find a way to keep pace. Sadly, the Terps were just out of steam. After a dunk by James Mays tied the game at 70 with 0:45 remaining, a missed jumper by Greivis and a defensive rebound by Sam Perry allowed Clemson to take a timeout and set up a play. "Oglesby for three?" I remember asking Steve. Sure enough, OGLESBY! Dagger three, and we lose 73-70. Each of us walked back to our dorm separately, not saying a word. After looking at the box score, even though it seemed Oglesby was the reason we lost, it was James Mays who came up biggest down the stretch, recording 9PTS 2REB 1STL on 4-4 FG and 1-1 FT in the last 4:09. A few statistical bright spots for the Terps included Bowie shooting a perfect 6-6 FG for 12PTS, James Gist leading Maryland scorers with 15PTS 8REB 2AST 3BLK, and a solid all-around game from Greivis with 13PTS 8REB 7AST. Along with those 7AST came 7 of the Terps' 21TO. After this deflating loss, the Terps went on to lose at Virginia and in the first round of the ACC Tournament against BC. Less than three weeks after being NCAA Tournament hopefuls, we were off on our third trip to the NIT in four years thanks to Terrence Oglesby and his dagger three.

Final Score: Terps 70, (22) Clemson 73

2007 Football: 9/22/07 at Wake Forest
Although the basketball team has mastered the art of the late game collapse, Ralph and the football team have choked here and there too. None was more deflating than the loss at Wake Forest early in the 2007 season.
Final Score: Terps 24, Wake Forest 31 (OT)

ACT IV: The Game that Could Have Been

(In this act, Maryland entered a game with significant pre-game buzz surrounding either a huge upset, or a possible postseason berth, but came away with neither. Not only did we lose, we lost BIG. These losses are embarassing, although not quite as crushing as the ACT III flops, in which we managed to accumulate a lead only to lose. These make you scratch your head and wonder if the team was ever mentally ready to play in the first place.)

2008-09 Basketball: 1/24/09 at (2) Duke

It's really hard for me to put into words how bad we looked this past Saturday.

Final Score: Terps 44, (2) Duke 85

2008-09 Basketball: 11/30/08 vs (16) Georgetown at the Old Spice Classic

Coming off of that huge win against (6) Michigan State in Orlando, the Terps ran into a hot Gonzaga team the next night and were demolished 59-81. After a day of rest, and a day for the media to go crazy with the prospect of the two powerhouse programs in the DC-metro area going head to head for only the third time since 1980, and the first meeting since the 2001 NCAA Tournament, where the Terps defeated the Hoyas 76-66 en route to their first ever Final Four. The press was blowing up the game in terms of historical and regional significance, and local bragging (and definitely some recuiting) rights were on the line as well. Expectations were high, but the Terps' FG% was not.
Final Score: Terps 48, (16) Georgetown 75

2008 Football: 11/22/08 vs Florida State

Despite insufficient funding in the Athletic Department, which prevented free t-shirts from being passed out, Byrd was officially blacked out for the last home game of the year, senior night. It was freezing, but Terps fans came out to cheer on their team with a shot at the ACC title on the line. Had Wake lost earlier that night, the Terps could have punched their ticket to the Dr. Pepper ACC Championship game with a win over the Noles. Wake won on a drive late in the fourth quarter, so the Terps needed to win at home vs FSU and on the road the following week at BC to keep their hopes alive. In the words of my esteemed colleague Turd, [Fuck you Bob] Maryland shat the bed. After a scoreless first quarter, FSU posted 21 in the second quarter thanks to a 22YD fumble recovery taken to the house. After a third quarter which featured 1FG by each team, the Noles completely slammed the door on the Terps' ACC title hopes with a 13-point fourth. We were outrushed 172-103. Turner was sacked 6 times and picked twice. Terps fans left Byrd cold, disappointed, and looking to next season.

Final Score: (22) Terps 3, Florida State 37

2007 Football: 9/13/07 vs West Virginia

After being destroyed on the road against WVU the year before (see below), the Terps hosted the Mountaineers for a Thursday night blackout game. The ESPN crew was there, the Army sent paratroopers, and the fans were loud and looking for their Terps to move to 3-0. Quite frankly, the team just forgot to show up.

Final Score: Terps 14, WVU 31

2006 Football: 9/14/06 at West Virginia

I remember this game mainly because I only watched about 5 minutes of it. As a freshman taking HONR100, I was forced to attend a dance performance this particular Thursday night at CSPAC. I can't remember a damn thing about the dance, but I can tell you when I got out, ran across the street to Denton and up 5 flights of stairs to turn on the TV in my room, the score was already 31-7 and it wasn't even worth watching. I only include it on this list because the 'rivalry' with the Mountaineers was supposed to be a good one. This game was not. Steve Slaton ran for 195YDS on 21CAR including 2TD. Pat White ran for 85YDS on 12CAR and 1TD, and added another TD through the air. Terps QB Sam Hollenbach racked up 211YDS 2TD 2INT, but most of the yards came after the game had already been decided.

Final Score: Terps 24, WVU 45

________________________________________

By the end of these performances, it's easy to see that we are never as good of a team as we could be. We choke, we can't string wins together, and ultimately, we fall short of our goal. The Championship run was only seven years ago, but it, as well as the exciting turn of the millennium seem like forever ago. Gone are the days when we can be considered "elite" by any standards, especially Nike's, who's other Nike Elite schools include programs that are actually GOOD, like Kansas, Syracuse, Arizona, Ohio State, Florida, and Duke. That's perfectly okay, though, because we no longer wear Nike Elite uniforms. Now we're OWNED by Under Armour. WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE...unless we feel like giving the game away to the likes of Reggie Holmes or Oglesby.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

When we think of failures we think of New Coke, the Magic Hour and the Carter administration. We think of those because they're highly publicized, highly visible examples of failure. They crashed and burned in a spectacular manner. What we don't think of are the lesser failures, those that peter out with nary a reverberation felt my most humanoids out there. Were we to chronicle these events in the annals of history, Maryland football would be deserving of at least a footnote in the chronicles. This post intends to examine the recent failures of the aforementioned program. To wit:

-Naming James Franklin as Head Coach in Waiting: Naming a head coach before firing the old one (or having him announce his retirement) is an odd proposition to begin with. It may make sense when you're FSU and you hire a Jimbo Fisher and everyone knows that Bobby Bowden is going dadgum stop coaching soon enough. It makes sense when you have an assistant so coveted (Will Muschamp) that he was good enough to be named the coach at Florida to succeed Urban Meyer. But for Maryland, with James Franklin? That makes less sense. I was never as down on Franklin as others. I thought he would have been a perfectly viable candidate during an open search. But that's the key - during an open search. For all the negatives that Debbie Yow had during her tenure as Athletic Director, locking the football program into this situation may well have been the most egregious. Even worse was the $1M guaranteed to Franklin were he to have stayed and not been named head coach for the 2012 season. Yikes. I've never run a business admittedly, but I simply can't imagine many good reasons for saying "hey, you've never done this job before, but I'm guaranteeing you a position doing just that, even though it isn't currently open. And for doing me the favor of taking this extremely well-compensated position, I'm going to give you seven figures if someone else gets the job. Cheers!" The scrilla strip mall will NOT be run like that.

-Bringing back Fridge following a 2-10 season: Sure, there were reasons for this, ranging from the capital Fridge had earned over his first eight seasons to (much more importantly) the ostensible lack of money to cover a buyout and hire a new coach at a competitive salary. But coming off a season where the program only wins once in eleven tries against I-A opponents, significant changes needed to be made. Instead, essentially the entire coaching staff, from the head man on down to the coordinators and assistants, were brought back. Does this sound like a program that wants to win? I remember a quote about doing the same things over and expecting different results, but we all know how that one goes.

-Guaranteeing Fridge's return in 2011: Now we get into the Kevin Anderson era. An era that once seemed so wildly promising in its salad days. Giving Fridge a positive vote of confidence that included his return for 2011 seemed like the right thing to do at the time, I'll admit. And it's certainly understandable that decisions change based on the facts on the ground themselves changing. Despite that, it's imperative that when such a declaration is made, the Athletic Director shouldn't be going back on his word a mere month later. But when Anderson said what he did about the future, the dismal attendance and the lack of a long-term, post-2011 succession plan were both well known. Yet by the end of December, with Franklin's departure, it seemed as if plans had been thrown into disarray, even though Anderson had made some less-than-subtle comments that called into question the idea of Franklin succeeding Fridge. Just what was the plan or did it not exist at all? Clearly a Fridge extension was not on the table, nor was Franklin getting the job. A lame duck coach in 2011 may have been the only thing worse than what actually transpired (excluded the parallel universe where Chuck Amato was extended an offer).

-The Press Conference: Kevin Anderson made his decision. Whether or not it was the right one is besides the point. He made a bold move and now it was his turn to sell it. To his credit, he and Dr. Loh did so by rallying the fanbase talking about the need for "transformative excellence" in the words of Loh. That was awesome, no doubt. The idea was that Maryland had slid into mediocrity under Fridge. Love or hate the big man, it was a true statement irrespective of a top 25 ranking this season. Given the stature (or lack thereof) accorded to Maryland football, the candidates weren't exactly lining up to take the post. There was one man, and only one man, who represented anything approaching proven excellence, and that was Mike Leach. Hiring him was the easy move. But instead, we...

-Hired Randy Edsall: Just like any of the above items, I'm willing to accept this in isolation. Edsall is a fine coach. His team finished playing in a Fiesta Bowl not a week earlier. He built a program from a I-AA also-ran to the champion of a BCS conference. Kudos to him, but his overall record is worse than that of Friedgen. While the comparisons may not be exactly analogous, it's hard to sell the new coach as an upgrade when the most fundamental comparison and indicator of quality, wins and losses, does not tilt in his favor. Perhaps Leach wasn't the right guy. I'm willing to take a chance on a loose cannon, but by many emerging accounts, Leach's interview went poorly and took him from the presumptive favorite to out of the running. Speculation about the powers-that-be and their motives and preferences aside, there have been enough questions raised about Leach to help understand the rationale, but even then, it's a bitter pill for the fans to swallow.

-The first 90 days: The real impetus for this post was the latest indignity for the program - losing fantastic DC Don Brown. As if losing him weren't enough, he made a lateral move to "go home" to be take the same position at ... UCONN! Again, perhaps the stated reasons for Brown's departure (desire to go back to New England, where he had coached all his life) are legitimate. Maybe this is explainable. But Brown was the most respected coach on last year's staff by fans but seemingly players as well. Just two weeks ago it was announced the Brown would be back, but somehow he never quite got around to signing a new contract before the expiry of his previous one on February 1. And what makes this all look even worse is that it went down just two days after National Signing Day. Had it happened last week, it would be a safe bet that at least a couple of Maryland's newly signed recruits would have been looking elsewhere. Not good, at all.

The next step is obviously to fill Brown's shoes, and that needs to be done with a big hire from outside the program, preferably one with local ties as Edsall's staff has only its two holdovers - OL coach Tom Brattan and WR coach Lee Hull, the newly minted local recruiter - who can claim any sort of local ties. Will Edsall make the right hire here? I'm not exactly sure what that is, but after the past two years, here's hoping the Maryland football program can do something to show us that the people in charge have a clear idea how to move from mediocrity to something a little better.

At least there's everybody's All-American, Danny O'Brien.

Key Moves: Corollary I

Warning (again): Do not attempt any of these moves at home as they may result in major fails and/or hospitalization. Additionally, do not attempt to make up your own key moves. This is also a fail. Only official key moves should be considered KEY.

- Building an Iron Man suit is DEFINITELY a key move.

- Quarantining people so that they won’t infect the general populations in their various sectors is a key move in the field of medicines.

- When fighting anemia, and if possible (i.e. if you are an animal/mutated), devouring an iron pipe is a key move. However, attempting to devour an iron pipe and losing all of one’s teeth is a major fail.

- Using books.google.com to conduct research by searching for key terms instead of actually reading your sources is definitely a key move.

- Sweeping the leg is a key move when attempting to mortally combat people.

- Wearing Jedi cloaks to ward off rain and/or flamethrowers is a key move.

- Being classically trained in one’s field is a key move, especially when attempting to make the rock music. For example, J. Loren, the lead singer for the band Hurt, is classically trained.

Greetings from the Florida!

Hello all! It's been quite a tumultuous few days weeks months for me here at the Says Things blog. Due to contract holdouts, I haven't been able to blog regularly about things and such. Of course, in that time the blog has fallen off precipitously. Also, I amaze myself that I just spelled "precipitously" correct in one try.

As I'm sure you've already heard by now by the collective screams coming out of College Park, Augustus P. Gilchrist has reneged on his commitment. If you're keeping count here, that's two in the past month. That's not so bad though. Recruits make commitments and break them all the time. That's why they're selfish assholes who I hate/adore. Of course, most of the time that's a verbal commitment that's broken.

And it's not in May/July when seniors have already graduated.

And have selected schools.

And aren't in high school anymore.

And when it's easier to find another recruit

DAMMIT!

For what it's worth, here's the Terps' roster for next year, broken down by class:

Seniors: One. David "El Tiempo de Dave" Neal
Juniors: Three. Eric "Professional Sex Machine" Hayes, Landon "Not Dining Hall" Milbourne, and Greivis "¡Arriba!" Vasquez.
RS Sophmore: One. Jerome "Fills the Cup" Burney
Sophomores: Five. Adrian "From Greenbelt Not From" Bowie, Braxton "Manatee" Dupree, Dino "In the Doghouse" Gregory, Clifton "P" Tucker, David "Walk-on" Pearman.
Freshman: Null Set

Yes, that's right ladies and folks. Your Maryland Terrapin's current roster for the 2008-2009 basketball season features four (4) less players than when the season ended in March. We have ten men on our team. A five man bench. Let that wash over for you for a little bit. Have you let it sink in yet? Good. Shocking, isn't it? Sucks, don't it?

Yup, that's the Maryland Men's Basketball team. True, we could always find a random JuCo transfer before August. Or we could find some scrap heap player who just graduated. Or we could have a team with four walk on players. I mean, last year UNC had no scholarship freshman, and they went to the Final Four. So it's possible, right?

To think that I wanted to come back to school so I could have another season of free basketball tickets.

A new low.

Guest blog from our good friend Josh.

"Sometimes I come across excellent music in unexpected places. I’ll be browsing the internet or listening to the radio and hear something that is extraordinarily good or different, something that is just over and above other music. Unfortunately this was not one of those times. Recently I was given the (as of yet unreleased) album of a new artist who goes by “Berto the Guitarist.” I want to say that the album was less clichéd than the artist’s name, but I can’t do that in good conscience. It was almost worse than the new ‘Flo-Rider’ album. In addition to very poor creativity, lyrics, and overall music composition, the performance of the songs was downright abominable, very similar to Soulja Boy. Actually, if Soulja Boy did hippie rock I am pretty sure this is exactly what the album would sound like. I give it a rating of ‘Piss-Poor.’ It was almost worse than that time that graham crackers got under the refrigerator…"

(*Face blurred for the sake of privacy. The album is just that terrible.*)

It's OK. Only 6 people were hospitalized...

You should have seen the other guy.

Oh wait... it was a brick and cement bridge.

(c) 2008 Awwaz Falluby